Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

”Ask Leslie” Part 2: Speaking Up in a Destructive Relationship

In this episode, Leslie & Julie discuss the following listener questions/topics:
How does staying calm help others see their own behavior more clearly?
What distinguishes appropriate reactions from inappropriate ones?
How should one handle a spouse who insists on arguing in front of children?
What advice can you provide for overcoming the fear of speaking up and handling criticism?
How can one respond to a spouse who uses profanity and initiates fights?
What strategies can be employed to address criticism and communication shutdowns?
How do you balance assertiveness with expressing love in a relationship?
How does personal healing and growth impact communication patterns?
What steps can one take to recognize control and choose battles wisely?
How can difficult conversations be handled in a productive and empathetic manner?
How do you address resistance to feedback and constructive criticism in relationships?
RESOURCES: Walking in Core Strength: www.leslievernick.com/strength

”Ask Leslie” Speaking Up in a Destructive Marriage

In this episode, Julie Sedenko & Leslie Vernick discuss the importance and the challenges of speaking up in relationships, particularly in difficult or destructive marriages.
The Challenge of Speaking Up:
In destructive marriages, speaking up can be scary and unsafe.
Balancing the need to speak up for oneself with the potential negative responses.
Referencing Matthew 7, where Jesus warns about casting pearls before swine.
The Value of Learning to Speak Up:
Emphasizing the importance of speaking up for oneself in mature relationships.
The need for effective communication to build healthier relationships.
Acknowledging that speaking up doesn't always mean speaking in the heat of the moment.
Guidelines for Speaking Up:
The wisdom of using biblical teachings to navigate different situations.
Differentiating between speaking about someone else's behavior and one's own feelings.
Self-reflection is important before addressing others' behaviors.
Approach others with humility and understanding.
Navigating Difficult Conversations:
How to keep things calm when a partner isn't interested in listening or finding solutions.
A different approach to asking about their perspective on a healthy marriage.
Recognizing contradictory expectations about marriage and communication.
Preparing for Meaningful Conversations:
The importance of preparation and groundwork before discussing sensitive topics.
The significance of speaking with love.
Balancing truth with love to avoid coming across as harsh.
Hard conversations require personal preparation for effective communication.
The Five Levels of Conversation:
Superficial chitchat.
Sharing news and facts.
Sharing personal thoughts and ideas.
Sharing feelings.
Sharing one's essence and deepest self.
Creating a Safe Space for Conversations:
Understanding potential reasons for a partner's escalation or shutdown.
Addressing a partner's potential fear of feeling incompetent.
Encouraging compassion and patience in understanding each other's limitations.
Comparing emotional intimacy to physical intimacy.
Overcoming Resistance and Creating Safety
What happens when one partner resists opening up or having deep conversations. 
Establishing a safe space is crucial. This can be done through various boundaries and techniques. 
Balancing Expectations and Reality
Sometimes partners have different communication styles and comfort levels. 
Understanding your partner’s background, upbringing, and communication patterns can help bridge the gap. 
Recognize that not all conversations need to be extensive or immediate. Patience and consistency are key.
Navigating Disagreements and Escalation
How to handle situations when a conversation has escalated. 
Emphasize mutual respect and recognize when emotions are becoming heated.
Resources:Walking in Core Strength Group Coaching Program: www.leslievernick.com/strength
Love Talk Starters: 275 Questions to Get Your Conversations Going by Les & Leslie Parrott

Breaking Free: A Journey from Destructive Marriage to Hopeful Healing

In this episode of "Relationship Truth Unfiltered," join host Julie Sedenko in a powerful conversation with Kim, a courageous woman who shares her story of transformation from a brutally destructive marriage marred by serial infidelity and emotional abuse. Kim's journey of discovering the truth, finding her self-worth, and rebuilding her life offers hope and inspiration to women facing similar challenges.
From the struggles of uncovering deception to the healing process of breaking free and eventually finding love and acceptance, Kim's story reminds us of the importance of recognizing our own value, seeking support, and embracing the potential for positive change.
 
Uncovering the Destructive Marriage
Kim's Experience: Victim of Serial Infidelity and Emotional Abuse
Dealing with Confusion and Suspicion in the Marriage
Living in Denial and Silent Suffering
Unearthing Clues and Inappropriate Behavior
Coping with Deception and Anonymous Infidelity
Struggles of Identifying Anonymity and Facing Denial
Kim's Inner Struggles: Dealing with Shame and Silence
The Emotional Toll and Breaking Points
Emotional Impact of Discovering Infidelity and Betrayal
Coping with Emotional Abuse and Trauma
Living with Fear and Anxiety in the Marriage
The Silent Suffering and Desperation of Seeking Answers
Wrestling with Values and Church Influence
Conflicts between Religious Beliefs and Personal Well-being
Coping with Conservative Church Teachings on Divorce
Kim's Internal Struggle: Balancing Family Values and Personal Safety
Overcoming Societal Expectations and Finding Self-Worth
Discovering Truth and Seeking Healing
The Turning Point: Finding Leslie Vernick's Book
Kim's Revelation: Recognizing the Destructive Patterns
Lessons from Leslie Vernick's Coaching Groups: Empowered to Change, Walking in Core Strength, and Conquer
Preparing for a New Journey
Learning to Value Oneself and Seek Safety
Overcoming Destructive Thought Patterns
Finding a Healthy Love After a Destructive Marriage
The Transition from Victim to Survivor and Thriver
Embracing a New Beginning
Kim's Journey to a Healthy Relationship
Night and Day Difference: Old Marriage vs. New Marriage
Transitioning from Idolizing Marriage to Finding Personal Wholeness
The Importance of Focusing on Safety and Healing First
Advice for Those in Similar Situations
Face the Truth and Seek Safety
Take Time to Make Decisions
Acknowledge the Painful Process of Transformation
The Precious New Life on the Other Side of Struggle
Continuing the Healing Journey
Accepting Imperfection and Continuing Personal Growth
Dealing with Triggers and Self-Esteem Issues
The Lifelong Process of Overcoming Deep-Seated Patterns
Empowering Women to Embrace Their Worth and Seek Healing

Gymnast & Dr. Nassar Abuse Survivor Addresses Sexual Abuse in Churches

Empowering Survivors and Shining Light: Addressing Abuse in Churches
Introduction:
Guest: Rachel Denhollander - attorney, author, advocate, educator.
Role in exposing sexual abuse, notably Dr. Larry Nassar's abuse in USA Gymnastics.
Highlighting the importance of discussing abuse in religious contexts.
Rachel's Background:
Pursuit of justice against Dr. Larry Nassar.
Over 300 survivors, including Olympic medalists, came forward.
Book "What's a Girl Worth?" recounts her journey and exposes the truth.
Collaboration on "churchcares.com" for educating church leaders on abuse and trauma.
Importance of Speaking Up:
Debunking the misconception about survivors' reluctance to speak up.
The lack of safe avenues for disclosing abuse.
Community responses and institutional support as empowering factors.
Role of media coverage in enabling survivors to share their stories.
The Role of Church Leaders:
Creating safe spaces for survivors within religious communities.
Misunderstandings within the church about unity, authority, justice, and forgiveness.
Theological views hindering appropriate responses to abuse.
Need for education among church leaders about abuse dynamics and trauma.
Value and Worth:
Discussion on devaluation of women's worth and expectations of suffering.
Motivation behind Rachel's books "What's a Girl Worth?" and "What's a Little Girl Worth?"
Initiating conversations with children about identity, value, and speaking out against abuse.
Personal Experience:
Insights from Rachel's memoir revealing challenges of speaking out against abuse.
Unveiling legal processes, abuse dynamics, and survivor trauma.
Acknowledging the privilege and difficulties of supporting survivors.
Progress in Churches:
Positive changes in churches' responses to abuse survivors.
Establishing support systems, offering resources, and standing with survivors.
Understanding the hurdles survivors face in seeking justice.
Highlighting the Positive:
Intentionality and Learning: Pastors seeking knowledge about trauma despite lack of formal training.
Engaging Difficult Topics: Addressing abuse, oppression, and trauma in sermons to foster communication.
Empowering Survivors: Creating safe spaces for sharing stories, fostering healing and support.
Practical Support: Providing legal fees, counseling, resources, and tangible assistance.
Championing Transparency: Standing against silencing tactics, supporting survivors' public speaking.
Advocacy and Legislation: Pastors engaging in legislative efforts to criminalize clergy abuse.
Final Words of Wisdom:
For Survivors: Worth is not defined by others' actions, find hope in the existence of light.
For Supporters: Stand with the vulnerable, embodying Christ's love and care.
Closing Prayer: A heartfelt prayer for comfort, advocacy, and justice for survivors.
Resources:
www.racheldenhollander.com 
www.leslievernick.com 
Sign up for Leslie's free webinar on August 17th! It's titled,
“I'm Not Okay When You're Not Okay: Defining My Problem, Your Problem, and Our Problem.”
Leslie will even answer your questions - live! Register at www.leslievernick.com/ok 
 

Biblical Headship & Submission

Introduction:
The importance of mutual respect and understanding in a partnership.
Part 1: Understanding Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics
Traditional perspectives on gender roles and submission in relationships.
Misconceptions around submission and headship.
The danger of oppressive relationships and their impact on women's well-being.
The need for women to reclaim their identity and voice.
Part 2: Communicating and Asserting Boundaries
The importance of respectful communication in relationships.
Healthy mutual decision-making in relationships.
Potential consequences of asserting oneself in an unhealthy relationship.
The importance of being a God-centered woman rather than a husband-centered one.

From Abuse to Empowerment: Ayana’s Faith Journey

Disclaimer: The content shared in this episode contains sensitive and potentially triggering topics related to domestic abuse and miscarriage. Listener discretion is advised.
1: The Beginning of the Destructive Marriage
Ayana and her current husband met after both having experienced previous failed marriages.
They initially appeared to be a perfect match with similar spiritual values, but things changed drastically after they got married.
Ayana's husband started exhibiting controlling and verbally abusive behavior, and she couldn't understand where it was coming from.
Friends and family were concerned about Ayana and tried to check on her, but they were unable to share their concerns before the wedding due to her husband's request for secrecy.
2: Unraveling the Truth
Ayana gradually realized her husband had deep-seated issues and unresolved trauma from past relationships, which led to a hatred of women.
He would use Scripture to condemn her instead of using it to support and guide her on her spiritual journey.
Ayana's husband also struggled with financial control, withdrawing money during arguments and insisting on separate financial plans.
3: The Accusation After Miscarriage
yana and her husband experienced a traumatic miscarriage after arguments and stress surrounding her previous husband's near-death experience.
Heartbreakingly, Ayana's husband accused her of "murdering" their unborn children, causing immense pain and emotional distress.
4: A Mother's Struggle: The Desperate Cry for Safety
Ayanna discusses hitting a breaking point in her marriage, facing abuse on every level, including physical, and her realization that she needed to seek help for the sake of her children.
The traumatic incident with her ex-husband that led to a life-altering injury and its impact on Ayanna and her family.
Ayanna's internal conflict and emotional turmoil when her current husband demanded her not to make physical contact with her ex-husband during a visit.
Ayanna shares the intense emotional and physical abuse she endured during a heated argument with her current husband.
The fear and helplessness she felt when he aggressively confronted her and the moment she realized she needed to escape for her own safety and the well-being of her children.
Ayanna's internal struggle with the decision to leave and her faith-based approach to seeking guidance from God.
5: Finding Support and Strength
Ayanna's discovery of Leslie Vernick's work and Conquer, which provided her with the language and understanding of emotional destructive marriages.
The transformative power of being part of the Conquer community, where Ayanna found support, biblical guidance, and the encouragement she needed to build her safety plan and exit strategy.
How prayer, surrendering to God, and surrounding herself with a supportive community empowered Ayanna to face the challenges ahead.
6: The Decision to Leave
Ayanna's spiritual journey in seeking God's guidance in her decision to leave the abusive relationship.
The pivotal moment at a prophetic event where Ayanna received a clear message from God, affirming her path towards healing and restoration.
The importance of recognizing her worth as a child of God and setting boundaries to prioritize her safety and well-being.
7: Embracing Healing and Wholeness
Ayanna's gradual transition towards healing and wholeness after filing for divorce and separating from her abuser.
The importance of taking ownership of her emotions and focusing on self-improvement and self-love.
Ayanna's current state, working full-time, and living with precautions in place while she prepares for a new chapter in her life.

Living Authentically: Embracing Core Values for a Fulfilling Life

Podcast Show Notes: Living in Alignment with Core Values
Introduction
Importance of living in alignment with core values
Definition and significance of core values
Discovering Core Values
Reflecting on personal beliefs and principles
Identifying core values through introspection and self-awareness
The Impact of Living in Misalignment
Consequences of not honoring core values
Recognizing signs of misalignment in life
Prioritizing Core Values in Decision Making
Aligning choices with core values
Making decisions that resonate with personal beliefs
Cultivating a sense of purpose and fulfillment
The Power of Pausing, Noticing, and Choosing
Understanding the three-step process for mindful decisions
Being present and aware of one's actions and choices
Taking responsibility for well-being and making conscious choices
Embracing Personal Growth and Courageous Conversations
Promoting personal growth and authenticity
Choosing courageous conversations in alignment with core values
Handling potential challenges and feedback
Conclusion
Encouraging listeners to explore and embrace their core values
Emphasizing the positive impact of living authentically and in alignment with God's purpose
Acknowledging the potential impact on relationships and making choices accordingly
Resources:www.leslievernick.com/start
 
CORE Values Exercise:Many have never taken the time to uncover, explore and learn to articulate just what their CORE values are. When you have values in conflict, it can lead to frustration with yourself or with those around you. Knowing your core values helps you prioritize life so you can say “no” to good things so you can say “yes” to the best things.
Look at the following list of values. Pause, pray, reflect, and choose.Then, on a piece of paper or in your journal, circle or write down the 10 values that are most important to you. Make sure that your list includes values that are meaningful to you and are relevant to your life today. Feel free to add values not listed here.After you've chosen 10, pray and inquire of the Lord to narrow your list of values down to five. You can do it!  Write the name of your top five. Then, define what the value means to you. Begin to live and make decisions according to your core values!
AccomplishmentAdventureAppearanceAuthorityBroad MindednessBeautyBraveCommunityCompetencyCompetitionConfidenceCollaborationConnectionCooperationCreativityEducation/LearningFaithFamilyFast PaceFlexibilityFreedomFriendshipGenerosityGraceHealthHelpfulHonestyIndependenceInfluenceIntegrityIntellectual StimulationJoyKindnessLegacy Now LivedLeisureLoyaltyManagementMaterial StatusMoral FulfillmentOrderPeacePowerRecognitionRestSecuritySelf-ExpressionTrustworthyVarietyWalking Your TalkWisdom

Necessary Changes for Changed Behaviors

In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Leslie provides valuable insights and guidance for Christian women who find themselves in destructive marriages. Drawing upon her expertise as a counselor and Christian author, Leslie discusses the importance of recognizing destructive patterns, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking personal growth and healing. With a focus on faith and wisdom, she offers practical advice on emotional regulation, rebuilding trust, and creating new patterns of behavior. Join Leslie Vernick and Julie Sedenko as they empower women to navigate their challenging relationships with grace, love, and self-care.
 
Part 1: Recognizing Destructive Patterns  
Understanding the warning bells within ourselves and the accidents that occur when we ignore our capacity.
Exploring emotional regulation and learning to control anger in safe ways.
Recognizing the importance of self-awareness and accepting responsibility for our actions.
Part 2: Creating New Patterns of Behavior  
Embracing our unique personalities and learning to love ourselves and our partners as they are.
Understanding the significance of heart change, not just behavior change, in fostering growth and transformation.
Exploring resources and programs for personal growth, counseling, coaching, and support groups.
Part 3: Seeking Healing and Setting Boundaries  
Addressing the challenges of rebuilding trust and creating new patterns of behavior after recognizing destructive patterns.
The importance of self-care and recognizing the impact of a partner's refusal to change.
Praying for wisdom, support, and the strength to set healthy boundaries and appropriate consequences.
Resources:
Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.
 

Unmasking Control: A Courageous Journey Out of a Destructive Marriage

Carrie is a brave woman who shares her story of being in a destructive marriage for 26 years and her journey towards healing and finding the strength to leave.  
Early Signs
Carrie grew up in Canada but moved to California after marrying her American husband.
Her husband exhibited controlling behavior from the beginning of their marriage.
It's not as great as it sounds
Carrie explains complementarianism, a belief system prevalent in the evangelical church during the '70s and '80s.
Complementarianism emphasizes the equal yet distinct roles of men and women within a marriage.
The husband is considered the leader, while the wife is expected to be a supportive helpmate.
Opening her eyes
Carrie gradually realized that her marriage had more significant issues than typical marital problems.
Her husband's control extended to decision-making, financial matters, and the personal growth of their daughters.
As their daughters entered their teenage years and developed their own opinions, tensions escalated.
The Complexity of Identifying Abuse:
Carrie struggled to pinpoint the abuse in her marriage due to religious justifications and confusion.
Her husband's manipulation of biblical authority and twisting of God's word caused further distress.
Seeking Help and Facing Challenges:
Carrie and her husband sought counseling from their church due to their daughter's severe anorexia.
The church's approach blamed the daughter's behavior on her attempt to exert control, exacerbating the situation.
Carrie's husband refused to acknowledge his role and his blame -shifting caused division among their children.
Coming to Terms with the Destructive Marriage:
Carrie discusses the difficulty of realizing the destructive nature of her marriage.
The combination of religious teachings, guilt, and her husband's manipulation made it challenging to identify the abuse.
Over time, she began to understand the impact on her children and the need to protect them.
The Turning Point and Pursuit of Clarity:
A conversation with Leslie Vernick helped Carrie gain clarity and recognize the abuse.
Leslie's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage," resonated with Carrie's experiences and offered practical strategies.
Carrie describes how she gradually took a stand and made the heartbreaking decision to end the marriage.
Coping with Devastation and Rediscovering Self-Worth:
Carrie shares her emotions after her husband's cruel actions, such as calling the police on false grounds.
The experience shattered her belief in her husband's support and led to a reevaluation of her understanding of God's love.
She embarked on a journey of self-discovery, learning to prioritize her and her children's well-being.
Empowered by Conquer:
Carrie joined Leslie's coaching programs, including Walking in Core Strength and Empowered to Change.
These programs provided her with valuable tools to communicate, set boundaries, and regain her sense of self-worth.
Carrie highlights the importance of learning to ask non-confrontational questions and gaining clarity in difficult situations.
A Path to Healing and Moving Forward:
Carrie shares her transformation through Conquer, finding value and purpose beyond her destructive marriage.
Despite the challenges she faced, she recognized her resilience and embarked on pursuing her dreams.
She emphasizes the significance of understanding one's worth and focusing on personal growth.
Resources:
Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.

Special Invitation from Leslie! Listen this weekend! ”The High Price of Being Too Nice”

Welcome to a special edition of Relationship Truth Unfiltered. In this episode, we have a very exciting invitation for all our podcast listeners. Leslie would like to invite you to join a transformative program called Moving Beyond People Pleasing. This program, starting this Monday, July 10th, is designed to help you learn to speak up for yourself and set healthy boundaries.
Moving Beyond People Pleasing is a small group coaching program specifically tailored for Christian women. If you've ever felt like you've lost your voice due to betrayal, addiction, abuse, or any form of mistreatment, this program is for you. It's time to say "enough" and seek support and guidance to reclaim your power and find your voice again.
In this program, you'll be part of a community of Christian women who are on the same journey towards setting healthy boundaries and living authentically. You'll learn to speak up for your core well-being in godly ways, honoring both God and yourself. No longer will you have to give more than you receive or settle for less than you deserve.
Perhaps you fear conflict and struggle with having courageous conversations. Maybe you've been suppressing your opinions and needs, always putting others first. It's time to break free from the fear of disapproval and disappointment. It's time to step into your true identity and start living a life aligned with your values and desires.
Moving Beyond People Pleasing is a six-week program that will meet on Zoom for 90 minutes each week. Led by a team of Leslie-Vernick-trained coaches, you'll receive expert guidance and support to help you navigate this transformative journey. The program is structured with engaging teaching videos by Leslie, handouts, and reflective exercises to deepen your learning experience.
By joining this program, you'll also gain access to a secret Facebook page exclusively for participants of Moving Beyond People Pleasing. This private community provides a safe space to connect with the coaches, interact with other women on the same path, and receive ongoing support throughout the program.
As a participant, you'll receive valuable resources, including an ebook written by Leslie Vernick herself. Her material is generously shared to enrich your learning and growth. Moving Beyond People Pleasing is rooted in biblical teachings, ensuring a faith-based approach to setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself.
Don't miss this opportunity to invest in yourself and embark on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and growth. You deserve to live a life free from the shackles of people pleasing and in alignment with your true identity as a courageous woman of God.
Resources: To join Moving Beyond People Pleasing: www.leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse. As a special offer for our podcast listeners, use the code "podcast20" (all lowercase) to receive $20 off on the program. Act fast as spaces are limited and the program starts next Monday, July 10th.
It's time to reclaim your voice, set healthy boundaries, and live a life filled with purpose, confidence, and joy. Don't let the fear of disapproval or past traumas hold you back any longer. Take the courageous step towards transformation and join the Moving Beyond People Pleasing program.
May this program be the catalyst for positive change in your life, helping you build stronger relationships with God, yourself, and others. Sign up now and let your journey towards empowerment and authentic living begin.