Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

Leslie and Lysa TerKeurst Talk Boundaries

In this episode Leslie talks with best selling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa TerKeurst. 
Lysa’s latest book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes,” helps readers stop the dysfunction of unhealthy relationships by showing them proven ways to set boundaries—and, when necessary, how to say goodbye—without losing the best of who they are.
Prepare to hear some very practical advice when it comes to boundaries, especially in the area of destructive relationships.
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Takeaways
There IS a problem when, in order to cover up the worst of who someone else is I have to bury the best of who I am. 
Know your capacity and your limitations. You don’t have to lose sleep, go into debt and be overly sacrificial to help another. That isn’t what  
We have to elevate the safety of women. We preserve life first, with the hope that the marriage can also be preserved.  
To the level I give someone access to my capacity, relational/emotional/physical/financial, etc., a partner should demonstrate an equal level of responsibility. The problem is when I give level 10 access to me and they have level 3 responsibility. You may need to put a boundary on yourself to give them a lower level of access. 
If a husband has been unfaithful or abusive, that is not being a responsible husband. And, yet, Christian women are told they have to give their husband full access to their bodies. This is wrong teaching.
Life Giving Boundaries… Five guidelines for implementing
Take a realistic assessment. What is going on here?
Assess what are the consequences for the other person and for me if I implement this boundary? Are you willing to pay the price that establishing this boundary may cost you?
What other relationships will be affected with these boundaries? Kids, extended family and friends, etc.? 
You must make healthy choices even if the short-term consequences are painful. 
Children are more perceptive than you think and it does them more harm when you pretend things are okay when they already perceive things are not okay.
Plan ahead. You plan in times of strength for times of struggle. Decide your boundary - a boundary on yourself - ahead of time. Boundaries are about controlling yourself, not another person. 
You have to communicate your boundaries. Lysa writes out scripts for boundaries in her book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.” 
The difference between a bad goodbye and a good goodbye
A bad goodbye is when that person is walking away we cannot acknowledge anything about that person or relationship that was good. In our heart it’s important to celebrate what is good. You get to choose what to keep and what to let go and what to put away for a time because they are maybe too painful right now. 
Good goodbye. Have “mini funerals.” The end of a marriage is a death but there is no funeral. There is no marked place to go and grieve. Acknowledge the grief. Process the grief. Have a little funeral inside of your heart and place that “loss” in God’s hands. Say goodbye and God be with you. Goodbye. 
What has happened is a part of your story but it’s not all of your story. Honor who God has called you to be.
Resources:Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining 
Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com 
Lysa's Resources
Lysa Terkeurst website: www.proverbs31.org 
Lysa’s new book: Good Boundaries & Goodbyes
Lysa’s podcast: https://lysaterkeurst.com/therapy-and-theology/ 
Lysa’s other books and merch: https://www.p31bookstore.com/collections/lysa-terkeurst-books-and-bible-studies
Connect with Lysa at www.LysaTerKeurst.com or on social media @LysaTerKeurst.

How Alcoholism Almost Destroyed a Missionary Marriage

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Learning to be okay with someone who is upset with me instead of trying to fix things. Learning that I couldn’t fix my marriage. I could do my work but I couldn’t do his. 
I was realizing that I didn’t like who I was becoming and I wanted to change for myself, regardless of what he did. 
My marriage was supposed to be a wonderful gift but it’s not a need. I came to the point where I realized that I would be okay whether he continued drinking forever or not. I just wasn’t going to continue with the abuse I was receiving. 
I couldn’t change him so I worked on changing myself
Laura’s Advice and Encouragement
Trust your gut. Most of the time, when you think they’re lying they probably are. 
God sees everything. Your pain, your struggle, how hard you’ve fought for your marriage and, no matter what responses you get from family, friends, your church, or community, God sees and he knows. He is your support and he’s right there with you. 
Even if your spouse never turns from their addiction, you have options. You have choices. You can improve your situation and still be the woman you want to be in it.
Don’t stay isolated. Reach out to someone, even if it’s scary. Having a community of people who will support you is a must. You need a voice - other than your spouse’s -  about the situations that you’re in.
Resources:Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining 
Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com 

Is He Really Sorry?

He says he's sorry. That you should forgive. But how do you know his words are true, that he won't repeat this sin in the future? 
Takeaways:
Two questions to ask in order to determine if he's truly sorry:
Does he care, through his actions as well as is words, about the impact his sin has on you?
Is he committed to change, actively working on himself so that the sin does not repeat itself?
How to get over your anger and disappointment
Forgive. Cancel the debt. This is a decision. You no longer expect anything from this person. You don’t have to trust him again but it will be best for your own well-being if you can forgive and let go of what happened. Forgiveness is freedom for you. 
It may take time for you to forgive. You don’t have to restore your relationship right away. If the person who sinned against you demands forgiveness, that’s a red flag. You need to go through a grief process. 
Accept the fact that we live with imperfect people.  
Two paths to people “waking up” and repenting
Words are the first path to getting someone to wake up. Honest, gentle, loving words. When we aren’t speaking the truth in love we aren’t loving well.
Sometimes words don’t work. Consequences wake people up. Consequences can be a gift.
Resources:
Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining 
Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com 
 

Trauma and Transformation

Debbie Laaser knows what it’s like to be blindsided by the sexual sin of her husband. In this episode she not only shares what happened but the story of how she and her late husband, Mark, came to build a ministry to those dealing with sexual sin and the loved ones who are impacted by it.
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Takeaways
Take care of symptoms. Work first on the trauma which leads to practical steps. Don’t skip this step. The trauma leads to real medical issues. Sleeping and eating and dealing with the lies you’ve lived with for so long. Figure out what other help you might need. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things you can deal with when trying to work through hard problems. There’s more than just “getting through this.” There is an opportunity for post-traumatic growth. God will teach you new things about yourself, others, and even the world. You can experience trauma and transformation. Allow your pain to speak to you about what you need.
Build up your community. Surround yourself with others who are walking this journey. Do not isolate. Silence and isolation are the worst enemies of getting well … for your husband and for you. You need other people! 
Take a look at your belief systems. Often you’re telling yourself things like, “I’ll never be able to trust him again…He’s never going to change…He’s ruined my life.” These belief systems are, most often, not correct. If you don’t get help with this, you’ll forever stay in a devastated place. The more your belief system is inaccurate, the more pain you feel. Counsel with a person who knows the truth and has walked this journey. 
Full disclosure is very important. You must know exactly what you’re dealing with. One of the resources to finding growth in the pain is to live in the truth.
Debbie Laaser’s Resources
Debbie’s Ministry Website: www.faithfulandtrue.com 
Debbie’s Book, “From Trauma to Transformation:”  https://a.co/d/6AMFAmo 
Faithful and True Podcast: www.faithfulandtrue.com/podcast 
Other Resources
www.leslievernick.com
Conquer is opening in April! www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer

My Kids Saved My Life

Jessica’s destructive marriage impacted her to the point where she seriously considered suicide. She says kids helped save her life. She had to get them - and herself - to safety. 
 
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Three Takeaways
Safety is priority! Get emotionally and physically safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. They offer confidential support 24/7. 
Staying well: It’s possible to stay well but it really depends on how regulated you can be in your situation. You have to do your work!
Leaving well: Without an irrefutable, documented case of child abuse, it’s unlikely the courts will help with your plea for protection or more parenting time for yourself. It may be better to save your emotional time and energy (as well as your finances) by building positive relationships with your kids and teaching them how to regulate themselves when visiting their father. 
Other Resources
Conquer opens soon! Join the waitlist: www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. Or, text START to 88788
www.leslievernick.com

Dealing with a Destructive Ex

Brief summary of episode:
When a relationship ends, the problems don’t all go away, especially when you’re forced to co-parent. In this episode you’ll hear practical tips you can apply in dealing with your ex or soon-to-be ex. Whether it’s dealing with finances, fairness, or emotional wounds, you’ll find help here.
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Three Takeaways
It is in your children’s best interest to have a positive relationship with both of their parents. Remember this at all times!  Your kids deserve one parent who is healthy and doing their best to be living godly principles. 
When communicating with a destructive spouse, use BIFF…Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly
In order to experience peace you must give up the NEED for him to understand your reasons, your NEED for him to understand and agree with you, even your NEED for him to support you. When you NEED anything from him he then has the ability to hold you as an emotional hostage. 
Resources
Join Leslie’s email list to receive her free newsletter and to be notified when new classes open. www.leslievernick.com
Empowered to Change is open until the end of March. Sign up at www.leslievernick.com/groupcoaching
Conquer will be opening to new members in April. Join the wait list here: www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer
 
 

Trauma’s Impact On Relationships and What You Can Do About It

Whether you're a trauma survivor or married to one, trauma has a profound impact on relationships.
Heather Davediuk Gingrich, Ph.D. is passionate about helping complex trauma survivors as well as educating churches on how to be trauma informed.   
In her 40 years as a professional counselor, she has lived, practiced, and taught in Canada, the Philippines, and the United States. She was Professor of Counseling at Denver Seminary for 17 years and recently moved to northeast Georgia where she coordinates a 5-course Graduate Certificate in Trauma Counseling for the School of Graduate Studies at Toccoa Falls College.
In this episode Leslie interviews Dr. Gingrich about practical ways to handle situations where trauma plays a part in your relationships. 

In Ministry and a Bad Marriage

Karin and her husband of nearly 39 years were missionaries to Zambia for two decades. Everything looked good to the outside but, the truth was, Karin was a victim of an extremely controlling and manipulative husband. In this episode Karin explains how she came to accept the truth about her situation and learn that she did have choices, even if her husband didn’t want to change. 
 
Resources
Join Walking in Core Strength today! Go to www.leslievernick.com/groupcoaching
Join the waitlist for the Conquer membership, go to www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer
Sign up for Leslie’s free newsletter at www.leslievernick.com

Ten Dangerous Beliefs

Everyone has an ingrained belief system…a sort of hard-wiring that we don’t even think about. Today Leslie is going to talk about ten of the most common - and dangerous beliefs. Dangerous because believing them could seriously damage your life. 
Life Should Be Fair
Hard is bad
I should be able to have my cake and eat it too.
It’s all my fault
It’s never my fault
I can control the outcome
If I wait, the problem will go away
My choices only affect me
I can’t do it
I don’t need God
 For more resources and to sign up for Leslie's Quick Start Guide, go to www.leslievernick.com
 

Married to an Addict

Dawn knew there were red flags before she even married but she thought she could "save him." Instead, she spent more than two decades dealing with a husband who was addicted to alcohol and prescription pain medications. Hear how, as a Christian, she dealt with this destructive problem and what she learned in the process.