Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

Necessary Changes for Changed Behaviors

In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Leslie provides valuable insights and guidance for Christian women who find themselves in destructive marriages. Drawing upon her expertise as a counselor and Christian author, Leslie discusses the importance of recognizing destructive patterns, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking personal growth and healing. With a focus on faith and wisdom, she offers practical advice on emotional regulation, rebuilding trust, and creating new patterns of behavior. Join Leslie Vernick and Julie Sedenko as they empower women to navigate their challenging relationships with grace, love, and self-care.
 
Part 1: Recognizing Destructive Patterns  
Understanding the warning bells within ourselves and the accidents that occur when we ignore our capacity.
Exploring emotional regulation and learning to control anger in safe ways.
Recognizing the importance of self-awareness and accepting responsibility for our actions.
Part 2: Creating New Patterns of Behavior  
Embracing our unique personalities and learning to love ourselves and our partners as they are.
Understanding the significance of heart change, not just behavior change, in fostering growth and transformation.
Exploring resources and programs for personal growth, counseling, coaching, and support groups.
Part 3: Seeking Healing and Setting Boundaries  
Addressing the challenges of rebuilding trust and creating new patterns of behavior after recognizing destructive patterns.
The importance of self-care and recognizing the impact of a partner's refusal to change.
Praying for wisdom, support, and the strength to set healthy boundaries and appropriate consequences.
Resources:
Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.
 

Unmasking Control: A Courageous Journey Out of a Destructive Marriage

Carrie is a brave woman who shares her story of being in a destructive marriage for 26 years and her journey towards healing and finding the strength to leave.  
Early Signs
Carrie grew up in Canada but moved to California after marrying her American husband.
Her husband exhibited controlling behavior from the beginning of their marriage.
It's not as great as it sounds
Carrie explains complementarianism, a belief system prevalent in the evangelical church during the '70s and '80s.
Complementarianism emphasizes the equal yet distinct roles of men and women within a marriage.
The husband is considered the leader, while the wife is expected to be a supportive helpmate.
Opening her eyes
Carrie gradually realized that her marriage had more significant issues than typical marital problems.
Her husband's control extended to decision-making, financial matters, and the personal growth of their daughters.
As their daughters entered their teenage years and developed their own opinions, tensions escalated.
The Complexity of Identifying Abuse:
Carrie struggled to pinpoint the abuse in her marriage due to religious justifications and confusion.
Her husband's manipulation of biblical authority and twisting of God's word caused further distress.
Seeking Help and Facing Challenges:
Carrie and her husband sought counseling from their church due to their daughter's severe anorexia.
The church's approach blamed the daughter's behavior on her attempt to exert control, exacerbating the situation.
Carrie's husband refused to acknowledge his role and his blame -shifting caused division among their children.
Coming to Terms with the Destructive Marriage:
Carrie discusses the difficulty of realizing the destructive nature of her marriage.
The combination of religious teachings, guilt, and her husband's manipulation made it challenging to identify the abuse.
Over time, she began to understand the impact on her children and the need to protect them.
The Turning Point and Pursuit of Clarity:
A conversation with Leslie Vernick helped Carrie gain clarity and recognize the abuse.
Leslie's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage," resonated with Carrie's experiences and offered practical strategies.
Carrie describes how she gradually took a stand and made the heartbreaking decision to end the marriage.
Coping with Devastation and Rediscovering Self-Worth:
Carrie shares her emotions after her husband's cruel actions, such as calling the police on false grounds.
The experience shattered her belief in her husband's support and led to a reevaluation of her understanding of God's love.
She embarked on a journey of self-discovery, learning to prioritize her and her children's well-being.
Empowered by Conquer:
Carrie joined Leslie's coaching programs, including Walking in Core Strength and Empowered to Change.
These programs provided her with valuable tools to communicate, set boundaries, and regain her sense of self-worth.
Carrie highlights the importance of learning to ask non-confrontational questions and gaining clarity in difficult situations.
A Path to Healing and Moving Forward:
Carrie shares her transformation through Conquer, finding value and purpose beyond her destructive marriage.
Despite the challenges she faced, she recognized her resilience and embarked on pursuing her dreams.
She emphasizes the significance of understanding one's worth and focusing on personal growth.
Resources:
Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.

Special Invitation from Leslie! Listen this weekend! ”The High Price of Being Too Nice”

Welcome to a special edition of Relationship Truth Unfiltered. In this episode, we have a very exciting invitation for all our podcast listeners. Leslie would like to invite you to join a transformative program called Moving Beyond People Pleasing. This program, starting this Monday, July 10th, is designed to help you learn to speak up for yourself and set healthy boundaries.
Moving Beyond People Pleasing is a small group coaching program specifically tailored for Christian women. If you've ever felt like you've lost your voice due to betrayal, addiction, abuse, or any form of mistreatment, this program is for you. It's time to say "enough" and seek support and guidance to reclaim your power and find your voice again.
In this program, you'll be part of a community of Christian women who are on the same journey towards setting healthy boundaries and living authentically. You'll learn to speak up for your core well-being in godly ways, honoring both God and yourself. No longer will you have to give more than you receive or settle for less than you deserve.
Perhaps you fear conflict and struggle with having courageous conversations. Maybe you've been suppressing your opinions and needs, always putting others first. It's time to break free from the fear of disapproval and disappointment. It's time to step into your true identity and start living a life aligned with your values and desires.
Moving Beyond People Pleasing is a six-week program that will meet on Zoom for 90 minutes each week. Led by a team of Leslie-Vernick-trained coaches, you'll receive expert guidance and support to help you navigate this transformative journey. The program is structured with engaging teaching videos by Leslie, handouts, and reflective exercises to deepen your learning experience.
By joining this program, you'll also gain access to a secret Facebook page exclusively for participants of Moving Beyond People Pleasing. This private community provides a safe space to connect with the coaches, interact with other women on the same path, and receive ongoing support throughout the program.
As a participant, you'll receive valuable resources, including an ebook written by Leslie Vernick herself. Her material is generously shared to enrich your learning and growth. Moving Beyond People Pleasing is rooted in biblical teachings, ensuring a faith-based approach to setting boundaries and speaking up for yourself.
Don't miss this opportunity to invest in yourself and embark on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and growth. You deserve to live a life free from the shackles of people pleasing and in alignment with your true identity as a courageous woman of God.
Resources: To join Moving Beyond People Pleasing: www.leslievernick.com/peoplepleasingcourse. As a special offer for our podcast listeners, use the code "podcast20" (all lowercase) to receive $20 off on the program. Act fast as spaces are limited and the program starts next Monday, July 10th.
It's time to reclaim your voice, set healthy boundaries, and live a life filled with purpose, confidence, and joy. Don't let the fear of disapproval or past traumas hold you back any longer. Take the courageous step towards transformation and join the Moving Beyond People Pleasing program.
May this program be the catalyst for positive change in your life, helping you build stronger relationships with God, yourself, and others. Sign up now and let your journey towards empowerment and authentic living begin.

The Toxic War on Masculinity Part 2

In this second half of Leslie's interview with Professor Nancy Pearcey, we explore the journey of masculinity throughout history and how it has been shaped by different beliefs and cultures. Professor Pearcey, helps us understand how the worship of many gods and the shift to monotheism affected our understanding of manhood. We also discuss the problem of toxic masculinity and the importance of promoting positive male behavior.
Key Points:
The Changing View of Masculinity:
In ancient times, people worshipped multiple gods, and their behavior influenced the idea of masculinity.
Monotheism brought new perspectives, some focusing on God's power and authority, while others emphasized a loving father figure.
Christianity introduced the idea of servant leadership and challenged gender stereotypes by valuing virtues traditionally associated with women.
Our Responsibility to Society:
In the Bible, the cultural mandate in Genesis 1 tells us to multiply, take care of the earth, and build social structures.
This means developing families, communities, and using our skills to create a better world.
The book emphasizes the importance of marriage, family, and meaningful work in fulfilling our purpose.
Challenges for Women:
The Industrial Revolution changed the role of women, taking away their economic contributions and status.
The feminist movement emerged as women sought equality and opportunities outside traditional roles.
Both men and women should have the chance to pursue meaningful work and contribute to society.
Dealing with Toxic Masculinity:
Toxic masculinity refers to harmful behaviors and attitudes associated with traditional ideas of manhood.
Women and children are often affected by toxic masculinity in their relationships and upbringing.
By setting positive examples and providing support, we can help men break free from toxic behaviors and develop healthier relationships.
Taking Responsibility for Change:
Men have a significant role in creating healthy relationships and families.
Research shows that men who listen to and respect their wives have stronger and happier marriages.
Pastors and counselors can address the issues behind toxic masculinity and offer support groups and resources to help men grow and change.
Understanding the historical, cultural, and religious influences on masculinity is important for fostering healthy relationships and combating toxic behavior. By promoting positive examples and providing support, we can encourage men to embrace healthier attitudes and behaviors, creating a more positive and inclusive society for everyone.Resources: 
Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.
Find Nancy's latest book here: The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes

The Toxic War on Masculinity- Part 1

Leslie welcomes guest, Nancy Pearcey, author of The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes, as well as Love Thy Body, The Soul of Science, Saving Leonardo, Finding Truth, and Total Truth. She is professor and scholar in residence at Houston Christian University. She has been quoted in The New Yorker and Newsweek, highlighted as one of the five top women apologists by Christianity Today, and hailed in The Economist as "America's preeminent evangelical Protestant female intellectual."
Dispelling Misconceptions about Christian Men:
Nancy shares the surprising claim from her book that evangelical Christian men have the lowest levels of abuse and divorce, contrary to common accusations.
The concept of toxic masculinity and its development over time is discussed.
Sociological studies within the last few decades have proven that these accusations are incorrect.
Empirical data reveals that evangelical Christian men - who truly practice their faith - exhibit loving behavior towards their wives, engage as active fathers, and have low rates of divorce and domestic violence.
Addressing the Divorce Myth:
Leslie raises the common perception that Christians have the same divorce rate as the rest of society.
Sociological research shows that dividing Christian men into two groups, regular churchgoers with authentic faith and nominal Christians, results in significantly different outcomes.
Wives of men with genuine Christian commitment report higher levels of satisfaction, engagement, and lower rates of divorce.
Understanding Competing Scripts for Masculinity:
Nancy explains the two competing scripts for masculinity that men often face, as identified by sociological research.
The "good man" script emphasizes honor, duty, integrity, sacrifice, and responsibility.
The "real man" script, commonly associated with toxic masculinity, promotes toughness, dominance, control, and self-centeredness.
Men often feel torn between these competing scripts and face societal pressures to conform to the "real man" script.
Historical Origins of Toxic Masculinity:
Nancy traces the roots of toxic masculinity back to the Industrial Revolution when men's roles shifted from family-oriented work to individual competition in secularized workplaces.
The change in the public square led to men being detached from moral and spiritual responsibilities, resulting in the development of negative traits.
Women were assigned the role of moral guardians responsible for taming men, which intensified the tension between men and women.
Stereotypes and Blame Game:
Leslie mentions how society often blames women for men's failures or misconduct.
Nancy discusses how women historically became burdened with the responsibility of keeping men's sexual desires in check and reforming their behavior.
The burden of blame placed on women for men's moral failures perpetuates wrong thinking and hinders the development of male responsibility.
Ignoring Men's Issues:
Nancy highlights how men, as a group, are facing challenges such as falling behind in education, employment, health, and life expectancy.
The social acceptability of expressing hostility towards men has created an environment where men's issues are often ignored.
Men's falling behind in various areas is linked to societal changes and the dismissal of men's struggles by feminist groups and others.
Secularization of Masculinity:
Nancy elaborates on the secularization of masculinity at different stages in history, revealing how men have been let off the hook morally and women have been burdened with responsibility.
She discusses the influence of Darwinism, which depicted men as naturally brutal beasts and women as morally superior.
The changing societal scripts affected men's behavior, distancing them from their traditional caretaking roles.
Conclusion:
Leslie and Nancy emphasize the need for Christians to understand the secular definition of masculinity to counter its negative effects.
The importance of cultivating a biblical understanding of masculinity is stressed to ensure men embrace their responsibility to love, serve, and protect others.
Nancy's book, "The Toxic War on Masculinity," aims to dispel misconceptions.
Resources:
Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.
Find Nancy's latest book here: The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes
 

The Power of Detachment

In this episode, we dive into the topic of "Detachment" and explore how detaching can bring freedom and peace in destructive marriages.
Understanding Detachment:
Leslie defines detachment as the ability to show up as the person you want to be without expecting the other person to meet your expectations.
Detachment doesn't mean disconnecting or not caring; it means letting go of the need to control or fix someone else's behavior.
Detachment in Everyday Situations:
Julie and Leslie explore how detachment can manifest in normal, everyday situations, such as preparing dinner for your spouse without expecting their appreciation.
It's about showing up as your authentic self and not relying on the other person to fulfill your emotional needs or expectations.
Healthy Detachment in Intimate Relationships:
The conversation delves into the complexity of detachment in intimate relationships, particularly regarding sexual intimacy.
While detachment can be a way to protect oneself from harm in destructive marriages, each person must decide their boundaries and what feels right for them.
Common Roadblocks to Detachment:
The episode highlights common roadblocks that hinder detachment, such as the resistance to let go of our preconceived notions of what our marriage or spouse should be.
Anger, resentment, and depression are warning signs that detachment is not being practiced effectively.
Detachment as a Process:
Detachment is not a one-time decision; it's a process that requires acceptance of the reality and boundaries within the relationship.
By detaching from the desire to change or control the other person, individuals can reclaim their time, energy, and resources for their own growth and well-being.
The Peace in Detachment:
Julie and Leslie discuss how detachment ultimately leads to inner peace, as individuals learn to love others with limits and accept that their well-being is not solely dependent on another person.
Detachment allows for the development of a new story, reinvigorating one's life and finding new avenues for personal growth and fulfillment.
Remember, detaching is about finding strength and centeredness in God, trusting that growth and strength can come from navigating difficult relationships. May God bless your relationships with Him, with yourself, and with others.
Resources:
Visit www.leslievernick.com/start for a free Quick Start guide that provides clarity on whether your marriage is difficult, disappointing, or destructive.
 

An Expert in Sexual Addiction Speaks to Wives

In this episode, we are joined by special guest, Jim Cress, an expert in the field of sexual addiction recovery and marriage restoration.
Part 1: Understanding Destructive Marriages
Leslie and Jim delve into the reality of destructive marriages, especially in the area of sexual addiction, and its impact on individuals and relationships.
Jim's shares his personal story and how he came to recovery.
Part 2: The Power of Boundaries
Jim Cress shares his wisdom on establishing healthy boundaries with a husband who is dealing with sexual addiction.
Jim and Leslie discuss how boundaries can serve as a means of self-care and protection, enabling women to create a safe environment for themselves and their families.
Part 3: Speaking Truth in Love
Jim offers practical strategies for women to address their husband's problems in a wise and loving manner.
Drawing from his years of experience, Jim emphasizes the importance of speaking the truth in love and approaching difficult conversations with empathy and understanding.
Part 4: Empowering Women to Take Action
Jim shares powerful tools and approaches for women to assert themselves, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize their own well-being in the face of challenging circumstances.
Part 5: Signs of Positive Change
Jim highlights key signs that indicate a husband is genuinely changing and working towards personal transformation.
Jim and Leslie also help women navigate the journey of healing by identifying observable signs of progress and growth in their husbands.
Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for healing and transformation. May God bless your journey towards healthier and thriving relationships.
Resources:
For more information on Jim's work and additional resources, visit www.jimcress.com. 
To find out if you are in a difficult, disappointing, or destructive marriage go to www.leslievernick.com/start

Surviving Emotional Abuse & Addiction: Katarina’s Journey to Freedom

In this powerful episode, join our host, Julie, as she engages in a heartfelt conversation with Katarina, a brave survivor who shares her personal journey of breaking free from an abusive marriage. Together, they explore the challenges Katarina faced, the transformative moments that led her to question her circumstances, and the profound impact of finding hope and healing in the midst of adversity.
Episode Highlights:
The Horrendous Years: Katarina opens up about her 30-year marriage, revealing that 15 of those years were filled with emotional and psychological abuse. She describes the impact of being in denial and the moment she realized she was trapped in a destructive relationship.
Seeking Help: Learn about Katarina's courageous decision to seek counseling for addiction, which inadvertently led her to discover the concepts of codependency, enabling, and denial. She shares her experience of finding a specialized counselor who validated her experiences of abuse and introduced her to the work of Leslie Vernick.
Eye-Opening Realizations: Katarina discusses the profound revelations that shattered her previous misconceptions about her marriage. From understanding the concept of emotional abuse in the Bible to recognizing the red flags of an unhealthy relationship, she shares the pivotal moments that opened her eyes to the truth.
Overcoming Fear: Discover the immense fear and challenges Katarina faced when contemplating leaving her abusive husband. She talks about the resistance she encountered from both her husband and some members of her Christian community, highlighting the importance of receiving accurate biblical counsel and permission to prioritize safety and sanity over the institution of marriage.
Parental Alienation: Katarina bravely shares the heart-wrenching experience of parental alienation, where her husband turned her children against her. She recounts the impact this had on her relationship with her children and the subsequent restoration and healing that occurred as they witnessed the truth about their father.
Embracing a New Identity: Find inspiration in Katarina's transformation as she breaks free from the shackles of her past. She describes how she rediscovered her passions, particularly art, and embraced a new life filled with purpose and joy. Through her story, she encourages other women to pursue their own personal growth and to never lose hope in the face of adversity.
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Other Resources
If you think you might be in a destructive realtionship, go to www.leslievernick.com/start
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Why Trying Harder Isn’t Always Biblical

In this episode, we explore the theme of why trying harder may not be the most effective approach when facing a destructive marriage.
Part 1: Understanding the Reality of Destructive Marriages
Differentiating between difficult and destructive marriages.
Acknowledging the presence of harmful patterns such as abuse, control, or addiction in destructive marriages.
Recognizing the importance of accurately identifying the dynamics in order to address them effectively.
Part 2: God's Heart for Safety, Growth, and Well-Being
Exploring God's desire for healthy and safe marriages.
Emphasizing the biblical foundation for mutual love, respect, and well-being within the marital relationship.
Understanding that God values the safety and sanity of individuals over the mere preservation of the marriage.
Part 3: Jesus' Teachings on Self-Reflection and Treating Others
Drawing wisdom from Matthew 7, examining Jesus' teachings on self-reflection and treating others with grace.
Encouraging listeners to assess their own growth areas and avoid a self-righteous or judgmental attitude towards their spouses.
Recognizing the importance of personal growth and self-care in the context of a destructive marriage.
Part 4: Challenging the Narrative of "Just Try Harder"
Questioning the effectiveness of the advice to "just try harder" in destructive marriages.
Empowering women to assert their individuality and decision-making rights in the face of controlling behavior.
Encouraging open communication and setting boundaries to foster healthier dynamics within the marriage.
Part 5: Taking Steps Towards Safety and Well-Being
Understanding the significance of taking action and pursuing personal well-being in destructive marriages.
Exploring scriptural examples and support for seeking safety, protection, and consequences for harmful behavior.
Highlighting the importance of self-care, seeking support from trusted sources, and exploring options for change.
Conclusion:
Recapitulating the theme of why trying harder may not be the best advice in destructive marriages.
Encouraging Christian women in destructive marriages to prioritize their safety, growth, and well-being.
Offering resources and support for those seeking guidance and clarity in difficult marital situations.
Resources:
Scriptural support for separating from a destructive spouse
For more information, resources, and support, visit leslievernick.com/start for Leslie's free Quick Start Guide.
May God grant you wisdom, strength, and courage as you navigate your journey in a destructive marriage. Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for healing and restoration.

Addressing Domestic Violence in the Church

Title: Relationship Truth Unfiltered: Addressing Domestic Violence in the Church
Description:
In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, host Leslie Vernick engages in a thought-provoking conversation with Pastor Dan, discussing the often overlooked issue of domestic violence within Christian marriages and the church. Together, they explore the challenges faced by pastors and church leaders in recognizing and addressing abuse, as well as the importance of equipping oneself with the necessary knowledge and tools to provide appropriate support. They emphasize the significance of understanding the power and control dynamics in abusive relationships, the need for accurate diagnosis and treatment plans, and the potential pitfalls of prioritizing institutional reputation over the safety and well-being of individuals. Pastor Dan also shares insights into his church's innovative approach of utilizing case managers to bridge the gap between families in crisis and community resources. The episode concludes with practical advice for individuals seeking to approach their pastors and create a safe space for discussing domestic violence within the church.
Episode Highlights:
The importance of recognizing and addressing domestic violence within Christian marriages and church settings.
The role of the Power and Control Wheel in identifying signs of control and abuse.
The challenges faced by pastors in acknowledging domestic violence and the need for equipping oneself to handle such situations.
Differentiating between marriage issues and the underlying personal sin issues that contribute to abusive behavior.
The potential harm caused by prioritizing institutional reputation over the safety and well-being of individuals.
The significance of accurate diagnosis and appropriate treatment plans when addressing domestic violence.
The Family Stress Support program: Using case managers as bridge builders between families in crisis and community resources.
Approaching pastors with humility and concern, encouraging them to address the pain and seek support for victims of domestic violence.
Balancing the values of truth and love in addressing domestic violence within the church.
Don't miss this eye-opening episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, where Leslie Vernick and Pastor Dan shed light on the crucial issue of domestic violence and offer insights for individuals, pastors, and churches seeking to create a safe and supportive environment for those affected.