Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

Dealing Biblically with Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is rampant…even in the church. 1 in 4 Christian women report being in an emotionally destructive marriage. 
In this episode you’ll discover when behavior crosses the line, how the church should handle these situations, and what women can do to get safe. Leslie will share biblical support for all of this crucial advice. 
 
Chapter #1 :43 A definition of domestic violence. 
Domestic violence is about controlling another. The Bible’s word for this is “oppression.” A person can hold “power over” someone physically, emotionally, financially, and even spiritually.  
 
Chapter #2 3:08 Can a woman be guilty of domestic violence?A woman can be guilty of domestic violence toward her children because she’s bigger, stronger, and more able to use violent methods of control. That’s not as true with men. Men aren’t usually afraid of their wives but women are often afraid of their husbands. 
Chapter #3 4:30 Why would Christian men do this to their wives?
We see a lot of sinful things happen in the church because people are sinners. 
Sometimes men grow up in these kinds of homes and under this type of patriarchal teaching in their churches. 
Chapter #4 6:07 When does it cross the line and what is a biblical definition of leadership and submission?
When a woman is objectified…she is not a woman to love but an object to use, a role. God created us to have choices. 
God’s definition of leadership was not to “lord over” but to serve. 
 
Chapter #5 8:12 What about when a woman provokes her husband?
People get provoked all the time by all kinds of situations. Life is provoking. The question is really, “when I get provoked, who is responsible for managing me?” Moses was legitimately provoked by the Israelites; he lost his temper twice. God held him responsible for his temper outburst, not the Israelites. 
 
Chapter #6 11:08  What should a pastor or people-helper do when a woman claims to be a victim of domestic violence?
It’s important to understand how prevalent this is in our society: Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.
Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.
The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.
As a church we must recognize when oppressive control is at play, even if it isn’t physical. It might be spiritual or financial but recognize it as sinful and serious. It’s still abuse. Treat it as such.
Chapter #7 15:55 What about submission?
Submission is a good discipline. Men and women are called to submit to one another. Submission is yielding your will to one another but it is not your will being taken by another. 
Submission is recognizing and deciding to lay down your will for the greater good. But it is a choice and not done out of fear. It is not just for wives. All believers are called to submit.
But when the church tells women to submit to sinful behavior that is contrary to what God teaches. 
 
Chapter #8 21:17 How does a Christian woman handle domestic violence, biblically?
Understand that, while we have a high value of marriage, God does not ask women to stay in an abusive situation. He values your safety. 
If we can agree domestic abuse is evil, then God gives us direction in dealing with this in Romans 12:21: Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good. 
How do you overcome evil with good?  
It is good for you to get safe.. Proverbs 27:12
Expose the deeds done in darkness. Ephesians 5:11
Speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4:24
Allow consequences to happen Galatians 6:7
See the fruits of repentance before reconciling. Genesis 42-45
Chapter #9 35:00 How do you know when change is real?
Is he being totally transparent with finances, his phone, and other practical realities. Don’t fall for love bombing and words. Focus on his actions. Does he allow you to have a “no?” Does he continue working on his own issues? Does he respect your boundaries or is he still trying to control you? 
Resources:
Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE 
Resources for People Helpers: https://leslievernick.com/people-helper/ 
Other resources: www.leslievernick.com

”What Can I Do?” One Woman’s Story of Staying Well

Tami has been married for 32 years and has seven kids. Her relationship disappointing from the beginning but it eventually turned destructive. Tami's church was anything but helpful, leaving her feeling confused and alone. In this episode Tami shares how she began to wake up to the abuse she was experiencing, her own destructive patterns, and how she is staying in her marriage and staying well. 
 

How Do I Know If This Relationship Is Dead?

This is a special audio version of a workshop Leslie conducted where she answers the questions, "How Long Do I Keep Trying?" and "How Do I Know if This Relationship is Dead?" 
CLICK HERE for a free handout to take notes as you listen: leslievernick.com/webinarhandout
You'll also get a roadmap to rebuilding broken safety and trust. 
Conquer doors are open for new members...but just for a short time. If you'd like to join Conquer, go to www.leslievernick.com/jointoday.

A Story of Faith, Loss, and Learning

In this episode Leslie introduces you to a powerful member of her coaching team. Elise Berryhill shares, vulnerably, about her experience with grief and dealing with a family member entrenched in addiction. 

Healing From Emotional Abuse

In this episode Leslie shares stories you haven’t heard before about her personal experience with emotional abuse and the impact it had on her, even into adulthood. 
Hear how Leslie dealt with her destructive mother, even into adulthood. And, learn how she found healing and the real, practical steps you can implement in your own healing journey. 
Healing from Emotional Abuse: Three Practical Steps
“I’m lost. Where am I?” Re-educate yourself on what is healthy. Learn to identify your emotions so you can address them.
“What is my problem with their problem?” Identify and take responsibility for your problem, not your abuser’s problem. This will show you the work you need to do.
Recognize your limiting beliefs
“You can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending.” - C.S. Lewis
Join us for a free, private webinar on September 29th. Register at www.leslievernick.com/webinar
 
Leslie’s website: www.leslievernick.com  
Leslie’s Blog: https://leslievernick.com/blog
 

How I Accelerated My Healing From a Destructive Marriage

In this episode you'll meet Suzanne, a woman who didn't even recognize many of her habits as being the result of her destructive marriage. The product of an abusive home, she found it easy to believe her husband's behavior was her fault. 
Four children and several decades later an event happened that opened Suzanne's eyes and set her on a course of real healing. You'll hear specific things she did and tips she has for you in finding healing from a destructive relationship.

Advocating for Abuse Victims

Today’s guest is Joy Forrest, founder and Executive Director of Called to Peace Ministries and author of, “Called to Peace: A Survivor's Guide to Finding Peace and Healing After Domestic Abuse.” 
 
To become an advocate, request a church partnership liaison or find personal support, go to www.calledtopeace.org

Ready to Take a Chance Again?

How do you know when you're ready to date again?

What My Mom’s Destructive Marriage Did to Me

Hannah is the daughter of Maureen from Episode 3, "Free After 41 Years." Hear Hannah describe what life was like growing up with her destructive father and how it impacted her as an adult. 

Dealing with Sexual Betrayal

Have you been impacted by sexual betrayal? Take the FREE QUIZ HERE: www.braveone.com/freequiz
Dr. Sherri Keffer knows - personally - the devastation of sexual betrayal. 
In this episode Sherri tells her story and shares how denial and depression kept her from dealing with the truth of what was happening in her marriage. 
Learn the TWO PILLARS every sexually betrayed partner needs. 
Hear what you should do - and what you shouldn't do - when dealing with the sin of sexual betrayal.
Find out what you CAN DO - even when you don't know whether sexual betrayal has happened. 
And, answer the questions, once and for all ... is it YOUR fault this happened? Is there anything you could have done to have prevented it?
Leslie and Sherri will also talk about how to talk to the kids when there's been sexual betrayal in the marriage.