Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

How Alcoholism Almost Destroyed a Missionary Marriage

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Apple * Google * Spotify * Amazon * iHeartLaura’s Lessons
Learning to be okay with someone who is upset with me instead of trying to fix things. Learning that I couldn’t fix my marriage. I could do my work but I couldn’t do his. 
I was realizing that I didn’t like who I was becoming and I wanted to change for myself, regardless of what he did. 
My marriage was supposed to be a wonderful gift but it’s not a need. I came to the point where I realized that I would be okay whether he continued drinking forever or not. I just wasn’t going to continue with the abuse I was receiving. 
I couldn’t change him so I worked on changing myself
Laura’s Advice and Encouragement
Trust your gut. Most of the time, when you think they’re lying they probably are. 
God sees everything. Your pain, your struggle, how hard you’ve fought for your marriage and, no matter what responses you get from family, friends, your church, or community, God sees and he knows. He is your support and he’s right there with you. 
Even if your spouse never turns from their addiction, you have options. You have choices. You can improve your situation and still be the woman you want to be in it.
Don’t stay isolated. Reach out to someone, even if it’s scary. Having a community of people who will support you is a must. You need a voice - other than your spouse’s -  about the situations that you’re in.
Resources:Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining 
Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com 

Is He Really Sorry?

He says he's sorry. That you should forgive. But how do you know his words are true, that he won't repeat this sin in the future? 
Takeaways:
Two questions to ask in order to determine if he's truly sorry:
Does he care, through his actions as well as is words, about the impact his sin has on you?
Is he committed to change, actively working on himself so that the sin does not repeat itself?
How to get over your anger and disappointment
Forgive. Cancel the debt. This is a decision. You no longer expect anything from this person. You don’t have to trust him again but it will be best for your own well-being if you can forgive and let go of what happened. Forgiveness is freedom for you. 
It may take time for you to forgive. You don’t have to restore your relationship right away. If the person who sinned against you demands forgiveness, that’s a red flag. You need to go through a grief process. 
Accept the fact that we live with imperfect people.  
Two paths to people “waking up” and repenting
Words are the first path to getting someone to wake up. Honest, gentle, loving words. When we aren’t speaking the truth in love we aren’t loving well.
Sometimes words don’t work. Consequences wake people up. Consequences can be a gift.
Resources:
Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining 
Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com 
 

Trauma and Transformation

Debbie Laaser knows what it’s like to be blindsided by the sexual sin of her husband. In this episode she not only shares what happened but the story of how she and her late husband, Mark, came to build a ministry to those dealing with sexual sin and the loved ones who are impacted by it.
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Takeaways
Take care of symptoms. Work first on the trauma which leads to practical steps. Don’t skip this step. The trauma leads to real medical issues. Sleeping and eating and dealing with the lies you’ve lived with for so long. Figure out what other help you might need. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things you can deal with when trying to work through hard problems. There’s more than just “getting through this.” There is an opportunity for post-traumatic growth. God will teach you new things about yourself, others, and even the world. You can experience trauma and transformation. Allow your pain to speak to you about what you need.
Build up your community. Surround yourself with others who are walking this journey. Do not isolate. Silence and isolation are the worst enemies of getting well … for your husband and for you. You need other people! 
Take a look at your belief systems. Often you’re telling yourself things like, “I’ll never be able to trust him again…He’s never going to change…He’s ruined my life.” These belief systems are, most often, not correct. If you don’t get help with this, you’ll forever stay in a devastated place. The more your belief system is inaccurate, the more pain you feel. Counsel with a person who knows the truth and has walked this journey. 
Full disclosure is very important. You must know exactly what you’re dealing with. One of the resources to finding growth in the pain is to live in the truth.
Debbie Laaser’s Resources
Debbie’s Ministry Website: www.faithfulandtrue.com 
Debbie’s Book, “From Trauma to Transformation:”  https://a.co/d/6AMFAmo 
Faithful and True Podcast: www.faithfulandtrue.com/podcast 
Other Resources
www.leslievernick.com
Conquer is opening in April! www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer

My Kids Saved My Life

Jessica’s destructive marriage impacted her to the point where she seriously considered suicide. She says kids helped save her life. She had to get them - and herself - to safety. 
 
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Three Takeaways
Safety is priority! Get emotionally and physically safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. They offer confidential support 24/7. 
Staying well: It’s possible to stay well but it really depends on how regulated you can be in your situation. You have to do your work!
Leaving well: Without an irrefutable, documented case of child abuse, it’s unlikely the courts will help with your plea for protection or more parenting time for yourself. It may be better to save your emotional time and energy (as well as your finances) by building positive relationships with your kids and teaching them how to regulate themselves when visiting their father. 
Other Resources
Conquer opens soon! Join the waitlist: www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. Or, text START to 88788
www.leslievernick.com

Dealing with a Destructive Ex

Brief summary of episode:
When a relationship ends, the problems don’t all go away, especially when you’re forced to co-parent. In this episode you’ll hear practical tips you can apply in dealing with your ex or soon-to-be ex. Whether it’s dealing with finances, fairness, or emotional wounds, you’ll find help here.
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Three Takeaways
It is in your children’s best interest to have a positive relationship with both of their parents. Remember this at all times!  Your kids deserve one parent who is healthy and doing their best to be living godly principles. 
When communicating with a destructive spouse, use BIFF…Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly
In order to experience peace you must give up the NEED for him to understand your reasons, your NEED for him to understand and agree with you, even your NEED for him to support you. When you NEED anything from him he then has the ability to hold you as an emotional hostage. 
Resources
Join Leslie’s email list to receive her free newsletter and to be notified when new classes open. www.leslievernick.com
Empowered to Change is open until the end of March. Sign up at www.leslievernick.com/groupcoaching
Conquer will be opening to new members in April. Join the wait list here: www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer
 
 

Trauma’s Impact On Relationships and What You Can Do About It

Whether you're a trauma survivor or married to one, trauma has a profound impact on relationships.
Heather Davediuk Gingrich, Ph.D. is passionate about helping complex trauma survivors as well as educating churches on how to be trauma informed.   
In her 40 years as a professional counselor, she has lived, practiced, and taught in Canada, the Philippines, and the United States. She was Professor of Counseling at Denver Seminary for 17 years and recently moved to northeast Georgia where she coordinates a 5-course Graduate Certificate in Trauma Counseling for the School of Graduate Studies at Toccoa Falls College.
In this episode Leslie interviews Dr. Gingrich about practical ways to handle situations where trauma plays a part in your relationships. 

In Ministry and a Bad Marriage

Karin and her husband of nearly 39 years were missionaries to Zambia for two decades. Everything looked good to the outside but, the truth was, Karin was a victim of an extremely controlling and manipulative husband. In this episode Karin explains how she came to accept the truth about her situation and learn that she did have choices, even if her husband didn’t want to change. 
 
Resources
Join Walking in Core Strength today! Go to www.leslievernick.com/groupcoaching
Join the waitlist for the Conquer membership, go to www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer
Sign up for Leslie’s free newsletter at www.leslievernick.com

Ten Dangerous Beliefs

Everyone has an ingrained belief system…a sort of hard-wiring that we don’t even think about. Today Leslie is going to talk about ten of the most common - and dangerous beliefs. Dangerous because believing them could seriously damage your life. 
Life Should Be Fair
Hard is bad
I should be able to have my cake and eat it too.
It’s all my fault
It’s never my fault
I can control the outcome
If I wait, the problem will go away
My choices only affect me
I can’t do it
I don’t need God
 For more resources and to sign up for Leslie's Quick Start Guide, go to www.leslievernick.com
 

Married to an Addict

Dawn knew there were red flags before she even married but she thought she could "save him." Instead, she spent more than two decades dealing with a husband who was addicted to alcohol and prescription pain medications. Hear how, as a Christian, she dealt with this destructive problem and what she learned in the process.

A Pastor’s Advice for Dealing with Destructive Relationships

In this episode Pastor Brad Hambrick and Leslie will tackle some tough topics:
 
Why do you think the church is making the same mistakes over and over again?  Why is it so hard to believe the victim? “Innocent until proven guilty” is cultural, but, when applied to a person telling their story we too often look at it as “liar until proven truthful.” Is it wrong to let the legal system, CPS and other authorities, into matters involving church families? Is the institution of marriage more important than the individuals in the marriage? 
Key Takeaways
When there is an abuse-related accusation toward a leader, the first call is too often made to a lawyer or an insurance company. That’s important but these are not the only voices to have in the situation. 
 
Go to your pastor but don’t turn your brain off. You are to steward your mental and emotional health. Sometimes a pastor is so focused on saving your marriage he/she isn’t seeing anything else.
 
Anytime you’re consulting with anyone who is an expert in anything, value their input but don’t be mindless. It’s okay to say, “I don’t think that’s the best advice for me,” whether you say it out loud or just to yourself. 
 
For pastors: When it feels “messy,” don’t make an edict … at that point you need to be in a supportive position. You need to ask for the type of cooperation from the unsafe individual that would make it a safe environment … and if they won’t, that tells you something. If they start bashing you and/or the church, you’re getting just a small taste of what the spouse is experiencing in the privacy of their home. 
 
Sometimes abuse is manipulative and coercive. What are some of the red flags and remedies a pastor can do? 
 
When it comes to the subject of abuse…especially non-criminal abuse…the church needs a “category” to deal with those. Matthew 7:1-6. Most pastors think verses 1-5. 
Proverbs 19:11 … sometimes it’s good to overlook an offense. But if the offense keeps happening it needs to be addressed. Verses 3-5 doesn’t contradict verses 1-2. It’s different but it’s addressing a higher level concern. Jesus says you don’t just keep overlooking … that’s being “devoured.” Verse 6 is the continuation of 1-5. If you’re in a chronically destructive situation, you don’t have to keep being abused. 
 
The Bible doesn’t treat all conflict as if it's the same. Pastors need to understand how to nuance and ensure safety. Maybe they aren’t in a Matthew 7:3-5 situation but it’s a Matthew 7:6 situation: “Don’t cast your pearls before swine.” Many women keep sharing their feelings and it’s turned on them. Sharing emotions is not always safe. It can become a lightning rod for attack.  
How do you discern when a heart change has taken place?
Ephesians 4 gives us a really good paradigm. Abusive individuals typically have pride and impatience. 
The opposite of pride is humility. When we’re humble we ask good questions. We really want to understand instead of just being understood and getting our way. The defensive attitude goes away and is replaced with listening. 
The opposite of impatience is patience. We don’t put a timetable on getting back to normal. Moving back in, etc. Can they hear? Are they wanting to learn? Or are they more focused on getting what they want and being in control of the situation? 
Maybe there isn’t something illegal happening but they aren’t cooperating. They need to understand they are still being relationally destructive. Are they going through the motions for their own comfort or because they are truly repentant? Are they giving the spouse time to feel safe again? 
 
You cannot rebuild a relationship without the foundations of safety and trust. And when those have been broken they have to be repaired. Asking for reconciliation without that is asking her to lie and pretend. That is against her very biology. She must feel safe and be able to trust…especially in marriage. 
 
There is a time period to heal, whether it’s physical, emotional, or relational. Don’t rush the healing period. 
Pastors don’t have to be experts about everything. Lean on those who are experts in matters of abuse.
RESOURCES
Brad Hambrick’s books: https://bradhambrick.com/publications/ 
Brad Hambrick’s website: https://bradhambrick.com/ \
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