Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

A Pastor’s Advice for Dealing with Destructive Relationships

In this episode Pastor Brad Hambrick and Leslie will tackle some tough topics:
 
Why do you think the church is making the same mistakes over and over again?  Why is it so hard to believe the victim? “Innocent until proven guilty” is cultural, but, when applied to a person telling their story we too often look at it as “liar until proven truthful.” Is it wrong to let the legal system, CPS and other authorities, into matters involving church families? Is the institution of marriage more important than the individuals in the marriage? 
Key Takeaways
When there is an abuse-related accusation toward a leader, the first call is too often made to a lawyer or an insurance company. That’s important but these are not the only voices to have in the situation. 
 
Go to your pastor but don’t turn your brain off. You are to steward your mental and emotional health. Sometimes a pastor is so focused on saving your marriage he/she isn’t seeing anything else.
 
Anytime you’re consulting with anyone who is an expert in anything, value their input but don’t be mindless. It’s okay to say, “I don’t think that’s the best advice for me,” whether you say it out loud or just to yourself. 
 
For pastors: When it feels “messy,” don’t make an edict … at that point you need to be in a supportive position. You need to ask for the type of cooperation from the unsafe individual that would make it a safe environment … and if they won’t, that tells you something. If they start bashing you and/or the church, you’re getting just a small taste of what the spouse is experiencing in the privacy of their home. 
 
Sometimes abuse is manipulative and coercive. What are some of the red flags and remedies a pastor can do? 
 
When it comes to the subject of abuse…especially non-criminal abuse…the church needs a “category” to deal with those. Matthew 7:1-6. Most pastors think verses 1-5. 
Proverbs 19:11 … sometimes it’s good to overlook an offense. But if the offense keeps happening it needs to be addressed. Verses 3-5 doesn’t contradict verses 1-2. It’s different but it’s addressing a higher level concern. Jesus says you don’t just keep overlooking … that’s being “devoured.” Verse 6 is the continuation of 1-5. If you’re in a chronically destructive situation, you don’t have to keep being abused. 
 
The Bible doesn’t treat all conflict as if it's the same. Pastors need to understand how to nuance and ensure safety. Maybe they aren’t in a Matthew 7:3-5 situation but it’s a Matthew 7:6 situation: “Don’t cast your pearls before swine.” Many women keep sharing their feelings and it’s turned on them. Sharing emotions is not always safe. It can become a lightning rod for attack.  
How do you discern when a heart change has taken place?
Ephesians 4 gives us a really good paradigm. Abusive individuals typically have pride and impatience. 
The opposite of pride is humility. When we’re humble we ask good questions. We really want to understand instead of just being understood and getting our way. The defensive attitude goes away and is replaced with listening. 
The opposite of impatience is patience. We don’t put a timetable on getting back to normal. Moving back in, etc. Can they hear? Are they wanting to learn? Or are they more focused on getting what they want and being in control of the situation? 
Maybe there isn’t something illegal happening but they aren’t cooperating. They need to understand they are still being relationally destructive. Are they going through the motions for their own comfort or because they are truly repentant? Are they giving the spouse time to feel safe again? 
 
You cannot rebuild a relationship without the foundations of safety and trust. And when those have been broken they have to be repaired. Asking for reconciliation without that is asking her to lie and pretend. That is against her very biology. She must feel safe and be able to trust…especially in marriage. 
 
There is a time period to heal, whether it’s physical, emotional, or relational. Don’t rush the healing period. 
Pastors don’t have to be experts about everything. Lean on those who are experts in matters of abuse.
RESOURCES
Brad Hambrick’s books: https://bradhambrick.com/publications/ 
Brad Hambrick’s website: https://bradhambrick.com/ \
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Dealing with the Trauma of Betrayal

What is betrayal trauma?
There can be financial, emotional, betrayal, sexual, etc. When betrayal happens the picture you had of your spouse is shattered and so is the picture you had of yourself. It can be a struggle to even trust yourself again … because you trusted this person who once betrayed you. 
 
The priority, beyond any problem, is your self-care. When you’ve been betrayed, you must take care of yourself in order to deal with the problem. 
 
Coach Jen Cole experienced betrayal trauma in her own marriage and shares how she went from having a faith of desperation to having a faith of surrender. 
 
First thing to take care of you is, of course, a deep breath and prayer, along with good sleep. But you also need to find a trusted person - someone who won’t pass judgment on your heart and who will let you express the emotions you need to express. 
 
You are worth the time, money, and effort to work on YOU. Your work is to heal and grow so that, if you are betrayed, you know how to handle yourself so that it isn’t as scary and devastating as when you are dependent on that person.
 
Connection is important. Connection to God, and to others, and even to yourself. 
Proverbs talks a lot about being aware of yourself, having self-awareness, self-control, and self-discipline so you can self-discipline. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. The very term, “love others as yourself” implies that you care for yourself. “Guard your heart above all else,” implies that you are aware of your heart and caring for it. 
 
If you’ve been betrayed in any way, understand that God knows how you feel. He was betrayed, too. He is your advocate and will comfort you in your pain. And there are others who want to help you through this dark time. 
RESOURCES
Join Leslie’s email list to be notified of special events and classes: www.leslievernick.com 
 To work with Jen or one of Leslie’s other trained coaches, go to https://leslievernick.com/coaching/

You Don’t Have To!

You. Don't. Have. To. 
Most women are stuck in the lie that, "I have to..." I have to stay married, I have to go to church, I have to go to work...there is a resignation to a life that is choice-less. But that's not true. You don't have to do any of those things. 
With every choice we make there are consequences. But we DO have a choice.  
God created Adam and Eve with choice. They could choose to listen to Him and they could choose not to listen. But there were consequences to what they decided. 
Jesus gave Judas a choice. And he made it. The rich young ruler also had a choice. And he made it. Jesus also had a choice and he chose to go to the cross.
You make decisions based on what you want in life, not because you "have" to do something. You get to choose. 
Life happens to many of us because of our choices. But when we feel like we don't have a choice we end up feeling victimized. 
At the end of the day, how will you feel about yourself and the choices you made? 
When you put yourself in the "have to do these things" category you rob yourself of the feeling of saying, "I choose to." 
Psalm 119:1-5, 30, 33-34:
"Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the LORD. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil, and they walk only in his paths. You have charged us to keep your commandments carefully. Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees!...
I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your regulations.
Teach me your decrees, O LORD ; I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions; I will put them into practice with all my heart."
 
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What a Godly Woman Really Looks Like

Date: January 2, 2023
Name of podcast: What is a godly woman?
 
Many Christians have a certain image of what a godly woman looks like, how she behaves, and what her priorities are (her husband being at the top of the list). 
In this episode Leslie takes a look at what the Bible really has to say about the virtues and priorities of a godly woman. 
 
A godly woman is God-centered, not self-centered or other-centered. Our love for God has to be first. Being a godly woman does not mean living around your husband. That’s actually idolatry. 
God has both masculine and feminine characteristics and he says we - both genders - are to be like him. Men should be kind and loving while being strong and courageous and women should also be strong and courageous while being kind and loving
A godly woman has virtues. God calls us to develop virtues. The Proverbs 31 woman was more than the tasks she did which were cultural. She was a strong, decisive, and God-centered woman.
A virtuous woman is someone who decides who she wants to be and how she will show up, whether she feels like it or not. 
 
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Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean You Have to Submit to Abuse

 
What is forgiveness?
What does forgiveness mean? If I forgive my husband for something, what does that look like, biblically? It may mean canceling a debt. Or, does it mean you don’t talk about it anymore and you continue like everything is fine? That isn’t biblical. It isn’t a “get out of jail card” where you still offer your relationship and trust to a person who habitually sins against you. 
 
How do you deal with "70x7" verse in Matthew 18? 
You don’t have to do anything. That isn’t the heart of God. God gives us choices. Even Adam and Eve had choices and then they experienced the consequences of those choices. If God had truly forgiven, why wouldn’t he have erased the consequences of their sin? Too many churches teach that you must stay in relationship with a person even when they sin against you over and over and over again. 
 
Not even God has a relationship with unrepentant sinners. So why would we be required to have relationships with people who continue to sin against us when God, himself, doesn’t? 
 
When do you put things in the past and no longer bring it up?
If the past is still your present then you still need to deal with it because the lesson has not been learned. 
When the past is truly the past and the behaviors have truly changed and the person has repented, there is a time to let the offense go. But, understand, there may still be an impact upon the person who was sinned against.  
 
The church too often bundles forgiveness with an erasing of the consequences. That is not biblical. 
 
The past is instructive. 
For the person who sinned…If we don’t learn from our mistakes by reflecting on them, we will repeat them. Reflecting on the past is supposed to instruct you on how to do better next time. We learn from our mistakes. 
 

Hope for Those in Destructive Relationships

In this episode you'll meet Grace, a brave woman who shares her story of being a people pleaser and learning to set boundaries with a jealous husband who would rage and exert control over her. She spent years walking on eggshells and trying to manage his emotions. 
Today she is living in truth and being a godly wife by not enabling his sinful and destructive behavior.  

Is Fear In Charge?

In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered you’ll hear some of Leslie and Julie’s experiences with the emotion of fear and how it has, at times, been in the driver’s seat of their lives. Leslie will share how fear can be a good thing but also when it becomes detrimental to decision making and living the life God has called you to live. 
 
Notes from this episode:
Fear can be a good thing. Our bodies warn us of danger and it’s good to heed the body’s warning. 
Fear can also be detrimental when it turns to anxiety and a person lives with the fear of “what if I look foolish, what if something bad happens, what if something bad happens, what if I get rejected…”
How do you deal with the fear of decision making? The first step is to make a decision: The absolute best decision you can make is the right decision. The second best decision you can make is the wrong decision. The worst decision you can make is no decision.
9:35 What if you’ve made a decision that isn’t easy to change, like marrying the wrong person? Even this can be a good decision if you let it teach you. 
When does fear cross the line to where it’s becoming a detriment? When the fear stops a person from growing. When fear drives your decisions. Any emotion you allow in the driver’s seat can be detrimental. 
When we really understand God’s plan for our lives, when something puts us in a scary situation and we are afraid … that may be something where we are to grow and learn. 
What would be a better way of facing those fears?Face your own internal self talk. Maybe you don’t think you can handle hurt so you live in a bubble. Maybe you need to think about how you can handle hurt or stand up for yourself instead of being a victim. As the question, “because.” I’m afraid because… and if that happens, what does that mean? “It means… and if that happens, it means…” and so on. It’s a way of getting to the root issue of your story. Maybe the root of it is that you think you’re worthless. 
The Bible has more to say about fear than almost anything else. If we really do trust him, that he knows what he’s doing and will work it out for our good, for our maturity, (not necessarily our happiness or pleasure) then we don’t have to live in fear. 
How do you deal with the feelings and fears that come after experiencing something tragic?Your emotions aren’t the boss of you. You can get help and support. How can you learn to deal with it? How can you prepare yourself to accept that you will have to deal with it and come to a place of acceptance? You don’t have to lose your mind or sanity. 
One of the biggest ways to conquer fear is to walk toward what you fear. You can face the fears in your mind. If you know you can handle it and there will be resources for you, it’s still unpleasant and hard but knowing you will get through it makes the fear less powerful. 
Don’t transfer an old experience to the present. You aren’t the same person. 
Where do people get support? Counseling and coaching support is available. Grief groups or other groups. The most important thing is to know you’re not alone. Being alone can lead to feelings of shame and depression. It doesn’t always have to be professional support. Peer to peer support is also a big help. Once you de-shame having problems it’s very empowering. 
Pay attention to your thoughts. Psalm 55:2 My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught. If you struggle with anxiety. Philippians 4:6-8 Be anxious for nothing but in everything let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind. And, later, Pau says, Whatsoever things are good and noble and true and just…let your mind dwell on these things. 
You don’t have to think negatively. You can change the channel in your mind. The Bible tells us to discipline ourselves when our mind is focusing on negative and worrisome things. Don’t feed your mind with worst-case scenarios. We have to say, “God, you are in control.”  
How do you go about training yourself to think differently?Once you recognize what you’re thinking, that’s when you consciously change the channel. The first step is recognizing your thoughts. So focus on what’s good in your life. What can you be grateful for? Intentionally feed your mind different ways to look at your situation. There is more than one way to look at your situation. Believe that. Be very intentional when it comes to your thoughts and it will start to become more natural. 
God has wired our thoughts to affect your emotions. If they are impacting your emotions in a way that doesn’t match with reality, understand that your body is reacting as though your thoughts are reality. 
We are called to do this. “Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)  “Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)
You can deal with it. Or you can learn to deal with it. It may be hard. But you can do it. Emotions are our informers. They are not our deciders. Don't just work on your thinking. Work on your virtues as well. This will help you deal with those emotions. 
 
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Missionaries, Marriage, and Addiction

In this episode Laura shares how she navigated her missionary husband's alcohol addiction and how it almost destroyed their marriage. 

Is It Abuse?

In this episode Leslie interview Darby Strickland, a faculty member and counselor with Christian counseling & educational foundation as well as the author of, “Is It Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Abuse and Helping Victims.”
3:10 - What has been the hardest part of getting people to understand? Oppressors don’t often look like oppressors to the outside world. Their public face is often much different. They come from such a problem in their heart. Victims have a hard time believing their spouse’s heart is that commited to self vs. living for the Lord. They rationalize, wanting to believe the best about a person.
 
4:45 - How does a woman discern between a man who is an overzealous leader and a man who is truly an oppressor?
 
Even Jesus’ submission was willful. It wasn’t fear-based. Often a woman is afraid to disagree or have a different opinion. Her input is devalued.  This is complying, not submitting. It’s subjugation. 
 
6:30 What do you say to a woman whose husband dismisses her by saying she’s being too sensitive?
 
Coercive control goes across all dimensions of relationship, not just physical. Journal. It may take up to 30 entries before you see a pattern in the stories. Then, see if those stories match up with what is in Darby’s or Leslie’s books. Or, find someone who is familiar with oppressive dynamics and can help you interpret those stories and see the pattern. Identifying the pattern is very important.
 
11:15 If a woman feels unheard and devalued and reduced to a role, what should she do?
 
Depending on the severity of the abuse, you could try having a “micro” conversation about a specific thing you’re noticing. 
You can also begin to talk to someone else and get some validation to your story. Also, begin to work on the mindset that you have to diminish yourself in order to be submissive. As you begin to stand up to yourself, you will begin to shift the dynamics of the relationship. He will get more respectful or more abusive. If he gets more abusive, that’s a really good sign. Abort the conversation and get extra support.   
 
16:15 What about the argument that women were made to be a helpmate?
Being a godly wife does not mean simply serving your spouse. It’s okay for you to have your own personhood. 
Don’t allow your husband to usurp God’s position in your life. Your primary purpose is to love and serve the Lord. That means loving your husband by confronting sin, reading scripture, loving your friends and neighbors, etc. When someone wants to put themselves as the center of your purpose, there’s a big problem. The Proverbs 31 woman had her own life and wasn’t micromanaged by her husband. 
 
19:00 - What are signs a pre-marital counselor could see that a relationship might be destructive?
Abuse, early on, doesn’t look like abuse. It can look like passion. Maybe one partner says, “I want to spend all my time with you.” They wouldn’t say they are wanting to isolate you from others. “I love you so much I can’t…” 
Find out what happens in other moments of relationship. Separate each partner and ask… “Are you allowed to complain? Does he get upset when you’re sick and unable to be there for him? Does he talk about ex or mother in disparaging ways? Has he ever berated a waitress? What’s it like when you say ‘no’  to him?” If she hasn’t, she should try to say “no” to him or even ask him to do something for her and then see if he’s willing to meet her needs or accepts her “no.” Does he use the Bible to try and control? 
 
Anytime someone uses scripture to condemn rather than convict it’s a huge red flag. If he is pushing engagement too fast, that’s a red flag. When the relationship feels too good to be true, it is. 
 
25:30 What would a small group leader do who observes concerning behavior in a couple? 
 
Pursue a friendship with that woman. It may be a while before she feels able to even identify what she’s experiencing as abuse. Encourage her to be able to speak without her husband’s permission in the group, etc. Make sure she feels valued by you and that it’s a safe relationship. Ask questions but don’t accuse. Always stay in a curious mode. 
 
32:15 What if a pastor is uninterested or gives advice like, “Try not to upset him?” 
 
First, be praying. Then, look for a counselor who understands oppressive marriages. There might be an elder or someone else in the church who would understand. Maybe you need to attend a Bible study, even at a different church where there are understanding people. 
If you’re telling  your story and being dismissed and shut down and leaders are using the Bible to keep you stuck in a destructive situation, you really need to find other counsel.  
RESOURCES:
Article “How to Discern True Repentance when Serious Sin Has Occurred: www.leslievernick.com/repentance
Christian Counseling and Education Foundation: WWW.CCEF.ORG
www.leslievernick.com
 
 

Parenting Priorities

In this episode Leslie shares seven fundamentals truths parents must teach their kids in order for them to be healthy and strong.
 
Chapter #1 1:45 It’s important that kids know they are loved unconditionally. Children need to know they matter and they are important. This gives them a secure base from which to flourish and grow. This is also their first taste of the love of God. 
Admit and own when you make a mistake. This gives kids permission to not be a perfect kid, too.
 
Chapter #2 4:00 They need to know and be able to name their feelings, to put words into what’s happening inside of them.
 
Chapter #3 7:00 How to name your feelings - ask yourself “Is this upset feeling more of a sad, scared, or mad feeling?” Then ask, “Is it a little bit of that emotion, medium, or a lot?
 
Chapter #4 9:48 No matter how sad or angry they are, kids must learn there are limits to what they can do with those emotions. 
Sometimes we need to help children face their feelings instead of coddling them into not feeling their feelings. They must learn how to control the expression of their emotions.
 
Chapter #5 13:50 Reality exists and they have to accept it. The more they deny reality the more pain exists. It can be as simple as accepting the fact that it’s bedtime or that they have to do their homework before watching video game. 
 
Chapter #6 17:50 They need to begin taking responsibility for themselves. This starts at a young age with toilet training. It’s important not to overfunction for a child or teen. Failure can be an important teacher. 
 
Chapter #7 22:10 - You must teach your children how to tell themselves the truth and how to live in the truth. We all lie to ourselves. “I can’t do that.” “It’s too hard.” “Nobody likes me.” 
 
For more resources go to www.leslievernick.com