Monday Feb 12, 2024

Reconciliation Roadmap: Strategies for Knowing When to Reconnect

Topic: Reconciling After Separation

In this episode, we discuss a question regarding reconciliation after a 34-year marriage marred by issues of pornography and verbal abuse. Despite the challenges, both individuals have made personal progress over the years and are now contemplating the possibility of reuniting.

Key Points:

  1. Assessing Individual Growth:

    • One crucial aspect is evaluating individual growth and whether both parties have made positive changes over the years.
    • It's essential to consider if the person seeking reconciliation has demonstrated genuine efforts to address past issues, such as seeking therapy or counseling.
  2. Exploring Expectations:

    • Questions about expectations for the future arise, including whether the desire to reconcile stems from genuine personal growth or external pressures.
    • Both individuals should reflect on their personal desires and needs, independent of society's or family's expectations.
  3. Establishing Boundaries:

    • Setting boundaries is crucial, especially regarding behaviors that contributed to the initial separation, such as pornography use or verbal abuse.
    • Both parties must demonstrate respect for each other's boundaries and be willing to uphold them consistently.
  4. Testing Compatibility:

    • Before considering moving back in together, it's advisable to test compatibility through short-term arrangements or trial periods.
    • Spending extended time together, such as weekends or vacations, can provide insight into whether reconciliation is viable in the long run.
  5. Prioritizing Self-Care:

    • Individuals should prioritize their own well-being and personal growth throughout the reconciliation process.
    • This includes maintaining boundaries, seeking support from a community or therapist, and engaging in self-reflection.

Conclusion: Deciding whether to reconcile after a significant separation involves careful introspection, communication, and a commitment to personal growth. It's essential for both parties to prioritize their well-being and assess compatibility before making any long-term decisions.


  • Video: When to Separate and When to Reconcile
  • For men seeking resources on personal growth and relationship improvement, Chris Moles and Andrew Bauman offer valuable insights and support.
  • Books such as "How Not to Be a Jerk in Your Marriage" by Andrew Bauman provide practical guidance for men navigating relationship challenges and personal growth.
  • The book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0 can help individuals develop emotional intelligence and strengthen interpersonal relationships.
  • If you are a man who wants to change: video

Disclaimer: Individual circumstances vary, and the decision to reconcile should be based on careful consideration of personal needs, boundaries, and compatibility. 

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