Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

Healing After Sexual Abuse: A Powerful Conversation with Tabitha Westbrook

Have you ever wondered if healing is truly possible after the deepest kind of betrayal?
Maybe you’ve been carrying the weight of shame, confusion, or silence for years. Or maybe someone you love is walking that road and you don’t know how to help. In this honest and hope-filled episode, Leslie is joined by Tabitha Westbrook, licensed therapist, abuse recovery expert, and survivor, for one of the most vulnerable conversations we’ve had yet.
Tabitha courageously shares parts of her own story of sexual abuse—both in childhood and in marriage—and offers profound insight into what real healing looks like. Together, Leslie and Tabitha explore how trauma impacts our bodies, our faith, our sexuality, and our relationships—and how God gently invites us toward wholeness.
Whether you’re walking through this journey yourself or supporting someone who is, you’ll leave this episode with truth, compassion, and a renewed sense of hope.
💡 Key Takeaways from This Episode:
💔 Healing Isn’t a Straight Line—It’s a Sacred JourneyTabitha shares that healing happens in layers. Just when you think you're “done,” God may bring something new to the surface—not to punish you, but to lovingly bring it into the light. There is no shame in needing more healing.
🖐️ Your Body Wasn’t the Problem—Abuse WasFor survivors, it’s common to disconnect from the body or view it as broken. Tabitha helps us reframe that: Your body isn’t your enemy. Gentle, safe touch—even starting with placing your hand over your heart—can begin the work of restoring trust and safety in your own skin.
💬 The Church Needs to Stop Being SilentToo often, women go to their pastors first—and are met with harmful advice or spiritual platitudes. Tabitha urges churches to get trauma-informed, stop shaming survivors, and become places of real healing, not deeper harm.
🕊️ Yes, We’re Talking About Sexuality—With GraceFrom reclaiming sexual health to navigating masturbation, orgasm, and pleasure after trauma, Tabitha speaks boldly and biblically about the realities many Christian women face. God designed sexuality to be good—and healing in this area is possible.
📘 New Resource: Body & Soul, Healed & Whole by Tabitha Westbrook
We’re thrilled to celebrate the release of Tabitha’s brand-new book, Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control, launching April 1, 2025.
This groundbreaking resource offers a biblically grounded, trauma-informed path to reclaiming your body and restoring your sexuality in a way that honors God and brings healing. Tabitha gently invites readers into truth, safety, and wholeness—no matter how broken or disconnected they feel.
👉 Order the book here:Tyndale HouseAmazon
🖊️ Don’t miss the companion workbook, launching the same day, to help you go deeper in your healing journey.
If this episode spoke to your heart, don’t walk this path alone. Leslie’s Conquer Membership community is a safe, faith-based space for women healing from destructive relationships. Inside, you’ll find support, coaching, and biblical tools to help you walk in truth and strength.
👉 Learn more and join the waitlist here: www.leslievernick.com
🌟 Closing Encouragement
Friend, if your story includes abuse, shame, or silence—please know this: you are not alone, and you are not beyond healing. God sees you. He is not afraid of your wounds. There is no part of your story too dark for His light, and no part of your heart too broken for His love.
Take the next step. Speak the truth. Healing is possible—one brave choice at a time.

When Loving Him Hurts: Navigating Neurodivergence, Abuse, and Ministry Expectations

Is It Neurodivergence… or Abuse? One Woman’s Journey to Truth and Freedom
What do you do when the man you married is beloved by everyone, but you’re falling apart behind closed doors? When he’s neurodivergent—and you want to be compassionate—but you’re the one carrying the entire weight of the marriage, ministry, and motherhood?
In this deeply moving episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Leslie sits down with life coach, neurodiversity advocate, and former missionary Jenilee Goodwin. Jenilee courageously shares her story of being in a 23-year emotionally destructive marriage while also navigating the challenges of ministry, chronic illness, and parenting neurodivergent children.
Her journey—from burnout and confusion to clarity and empowerment—will resonate with every woman who’s ever asked: Is it really that bad… or am I just not trying hard enough?
With honesty, wisdom, and deep spiritual insight, Jenilee walks us through the complexities of differentiating neurodivergent limitations from emotionally abusive behavior, and how she found the strength to obey God—even when it meant letting go of everything she’d built.
Key Takeaways
1. Neurodivergence vs. Destructive Behavior: How to Discern the Difference
Jenilee explains how difficult it was to separate her husband’s ADHD and possible autism from his emotionally abusive behaviors. The turning point? Realizing that neurodivergence doesn’t excuse a lack of empathy, unwillingness to change, or repeated disregard for her well-being. Diagnosis is not a license for disrespect.
2. When Ministry Expectations Keep You Stuck
As a pastor’s wife and missionary, Jenilee felt enormous pressure to keep up appearances. But when her health began to deteriorate and her husband refused to share the load, she had to make a painful decision: obey the institutional church… or obey God’s whisper to “stop.”
3. You Are Not His Body and Brain
Jenilee describes the crushing emotional and mental labor she carried for her husband—being his memory, his planner, his spiritual leader—until she said no more. When she stopped overfunctioning, things crumbled… but clarity and healing finally began.
4. Obedience to God Sometimes Looks Like Letting Go
The lie that godly women must sacrifice themselves no matter what is one that keeps many stuck in harmful marriages. Jenilee shares how stepping into obedience—choosing truth over appearances—led to both heartbreak and unexpected joy.
5. Your Body Keeps the Score—But God Holds the Pen
From MS and fibromyalgia to chronic fatigue, Jenilee’s body bore the cost of the emotional toll she carried for years. But after she stopped rescuing her husband and started caring for herself, healing began—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Closing Encouragement
Sister, you are not selfish for needing rest. You are not ungodly for drawing boundaries. You are not breaking your marriage—you are breaking free from patterns that are breaking you. Obedience to God may feel like a fire, but on the other side is freedom, clarity, and healing.
Don’t wait until your body forces you to stop. Listen to that still, small voice. God is calling you into truth—and into life.
You can do this. We’re walking with you.

Money, Marriage & Moving Forward: A Financial Guide for Women Facing Divorce with Rhonda Noordyk

Divorce is never the goal, but sometimes it’s the only solution to an abusive, destructive marriage. Yet, for many Christian women, the fear of financial ruin keeps them stuck in unhealthy relationships. Today, we’re tackling that fear head-on with financial expert Rhonda Noordyk, founder of the Women’s Financial Wellness Center and host of the podcast Disrupting Divorce Conversations for Women.
Rhonda has dedicated her career to helping women navigate the financial complexities of divorce with confidence and clarity. In this episode, she shares practical strategies for financial empowerment, ways to uncover hidden assets, and how to build a strong support team so that no woman has to walk this journey alone. If you've ever felt trapped by financial insecurity or overwhelmed by the thought of handling money on your own, this conversation is for you.
Key Takeaways
Divorce Isn’t the First Choice, But Sometimes It’s the Best ChoiceMany women hesitate to leave abusive or destructive marriages due to religious or cultural conditioning. Rhonda and Leslie discuss why staying informed about your options is not promoting divorce but rather promoting wisdom and safety.
Building a Strong Financial Foundation Starts with AwarenessWhether you're contemplating divorce or just wanting to be more financially literate, knowing where your money is and how it works is crucial. Rhonda shares her Bridge Method, helping women breathe, build a financial team, and gather critical financial documents before making any decisions.
Common Financial Fears and How to Overcome ThemFear of being destitute, of never being able to own a home, or of not being able to provide for children keeps many women feeling stuck. Rhonda walks us through the knowledge-experience-confidence formula that helps women step into financial empowerment.
Practical Steps to Uncover Financial InformationRhonda shares insider strategies, including checking credit reports, IRS transcripts, and even using USPS informed delivery, to help women piece together their financial picture—even when their spouse has kept them in the dark.
You Don’t Have to Do This AloneHaving a trusted support system is key. If you don’t know where to start, find a financial expert, a supportive friend, or even a private investigator if necessary. Rhonda’s resources make it easier to take those first steps toward financial security.
Resources & Next Steps
Listen to Rhonda's podcast Disrupting Divorce Conversations for Women
Download Rhonda’s free resource: 6 Ways to Get a Fair Divorce Settlement – wfwcdivorce.com
Explore Leslie’s coaching programs and community for faith-based support – leslievernick.com
Final Encouragement
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember this: You don’t have to figure it all out today. Just take one small step toward educating yourself and preparing for your future. God will guide your path, one decision at a time. You are not alone, and you are stronger than you think.
 

The Nicest Liar You'll Ever Meet

What happens when the person you trust most turns out to be a stranger behind closed doors? Many of us go into marriage believing we’ve found a godly partner, only to discover deception, manipulation, and an unraveling reality we never saw coming. In this powerful episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Julie Sedenko sits down with Isla, a woman whose marriage began with hidden debts, constant lies, and a suffocating sense of tension. After years of heartache, separation, and a journey toward personal transformation, she and her husband now walk a different path—one built on truth, respect, and a deeper understanding of God's role in their lives.
If you’ve ever felt trapped in a relationship where words don’t match actions, where confusion and self-doubt creep in, this episode will encourage and empower you with the wisdom, faith, and tools to step into truth.
Key Takeaways
1. The Slow Realization of DeceptionIsla’s story began with excitement and hope—she believed she had chosen wisely. But from her wedding night onward, subtle red flags began to emerge: small acts of indifference, shifting moods, and later, outright lies. She learned that deception doesn’t always come with blatant betrayal; sometimes, it’s the quiet erosion of trust, the feeling that something is always just slightly off. If you feel unsettled in your relationship but can’t pinpoint why, it’s worth paying attention.
2. The Power of Denial and OvercompensatingFor years, Isla compensated for her husband's irresponsibility, picking up the slack and trying harder to make things work. She assumed his agreement with her concerns meant he would change, but true transformation requires action, not just words. Recognizing the difference between passive compliance and real accountability was key in her healing journey.
3. The Breaking Point: When You Can’t Walk Through the DoorSitting in her car, unable to enter her own home, Isla hit a moment of undeniable truth—her marriage was crushing her spirit. It wasn’t until she stepped back, created boundaries, and sought wisdom that she began to reclaim her life. Sometimes, rock bottom is the birthplace of transformation.
4. Healing Through Faith, Boundaries, and CommunityIsla's faith played a crucial role in her journey. She turned to Proverbs for wisdom, joined Conquer, and found a community of women who understood her struggle. Through this, she discovered that mutual, safe, and reciprocal relationships are God’s design—not a life of walking on eggshells. Healing required her to hold the relationship loosely, allowing her husband to take responsibility for his own growth.
5. Rebuilding with Wisdom and CautionAfter three years of separation, her husband had to prove his change—not with words, but with actions. Weekly accountability groups, personal counseling, and a renewed commitment to truth paved the way for reconciliation. Their marriage today looks nothing like before—marked by independent wholeness, clear financial separation, and intentional rebuilding. It’s not about returning to the old marriage; it’s about creating something new.
A Personal Invitation
If Isla’s story resonates with you, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Conquer is a transformative support community designed for women facing destructive relationships. You’ll find biblical wisdom, practical tools, and the support of women who truly understand. Learn more and join the waitlist at leslievernick.com/conquersignup.
Closing Encouragement
If you’re sitting in your car, afraid to walk inside, know this: God sees you. You are precious in His sight, and you deserve a life built on truth, respect, and mutual love. Don’t be afraid to take the next right step—one step at a time, one boundary at a time. You are not alone, and with God’s guidance, healing and clarity are possible.
 

Power, Abuse, and the Church: Exposing the Truth with Dr. Diane Langberg

When the Church Harms Instead of Heals: A Conversation with Dr. Diane Langberg
Does the church always protect the vulnerable? Unfortunately, the answer is no. Too often, church leaders and institutions protect their own reputation, power, and influence instead of the wounded and abused. This episode is a crucial conversation with world-renowned trauma expert Dr. Diane Langberg, who has spent over five decades counseling survivors of abuse and working to bring truth and light into the darkest places within the church.
In this episode, Leslie Vernick and Dr. Langberg discuss how churches can—and must—do better. They expose the dangerous ways churches enable abuse, misuse power, and silence victims in the name of God. If you've ever felt unheard, dismissed, or spiritually manipulated by those in leadership, this conversation will offer both validation and hope.
Key Takeaways:
1. Why Churches Struggle to See and Address AbuseThe church has been slow to acknowledge abuse within its walls. Too often, the institution is prioritized over the people. Jesus called leaders to "feed my sheep," yet many churches protect the system instead. Abuse survivors need churches that reflect Christ’s heart, not just uphold doctrine.
2. The Harmful Messages Women Hear About Abuse and MarriageMany women are told that preserving marriage at all costs is God’s will, even at the expense of their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. But God hates sin more than divorce. Jesus himself walked away from people who refused truth, and women are not called to stay in destructive relationships to honor God.
3. The Self-Deception of Abusive Church LeadersAbusive pastors and leaders often twist Scripture to justify their actions. They protect their reputations and minimize their sins, deceiving not only others but themselves. True repentance requires exposure and accountability, not secrecy and cover-ups.
4. How to Create Safer Churches for Abuse SurvivorsChurches must shift their focus from building large institutions to becoming places that reflect Christ’s love and justice. This means listening to survivors, seeking expert training, and prioritizing character over charisma in leadership.
5. God's Heart for the WoundedFor those who have been harmed by their church, Dr. Langberg offers a powerful reminder: God sees, weeps, and hates the evil done in His name. He does not ask you to stay in an abusive situation. He is for you, not against you.
Resources and Next Steps:
Dr. Diane Langberg’s book: When the Church Harms God's People
Dr. Diane Langberg's website: www.dianelangberg.com
Leslie Vernick’s resources for abuse survivors: www.leslievernick.com
Need support? Join our private community for women seeking healing and guidance. 
Final Encouragement
If you've been hurt by the church, know this: God is not like the leaders who failed you. He sees you, loves you, and wants you to walk in freedom. Your voice matters, and healing is possible.
Thank you for listening to Relationship Truth Unfiltered. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. 

Acceptance: Facing Hard Truths Without Giving Up Hope

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of hoping things will change, only to be disappointed over and over again? Maybe you’re in a destructive marriage, and deep down, you know the truth... but accepting it feels impossible.
In this episode, Leslie Vernick and Julie Sedenko dive into what true acceptance looks like, especially for women in difficult relationships. But here’s the key: Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. It doesn’t mean resigning yourself to misery. Instead, it’s about facing the truth so that you can take back your power and choose your next steps wisely.
If you’re exhausted from trying to change someone who refuses to change, this episode will help you shift your mindset and start taking care of yourself because you are worth it.
Key Takeaways:
1. Healthy People Live in the Truth
Denying reality doesn’t change it, it only keeps you stuck.
Accepting a hard truth doesn’t mean you have to like it, but it does mean you can begin to move forward.
Resisting reality drains your energy. Facing it, even when it hurts, is the first step to healing and change.
2. Acceptance is Empowering, Not Defeating
Accepting the truth about your marriage doesn’t mean it will never change, but it does mean you stop relying on "hopium", the false hope that if you just try harder, he’ll be different.
When you accept reality, you regain your power by asking: “What are my choices now?”
Acceptance leads to action. You can start making plans for your well-being, rather than waiting for someone else to change.
3. You Have Choices, Even When It Feels Like You Don’t
If your husband refuses to change, you can choose how you will respond.
Your choices might include setting firmer boundaries, building financial independence, finding emotional support, or even considering separation.
Instead of waiting for someone else to rescue you, step into the role God has given you as the steward of your own life.
4. Stop Living Like a Doormat—Set Healthy Boundaries
Feeling like a doormat? That’s a sign you need better boundaries.
Being kind does not mean letting people take advantage of you.
When you start saying “no,” pay attention to how people respond. Do they respect your boundaries, or do they punish you for them? That tells you a lot about the relationship.
5. Taking Responsibility for Your Own Well-Being
If your needs aren’t being met in your marriage, you don’t have to stay stuck in resentment. Instead, you can take steps to meet them in other ways.
Stop waiting for your husband to make you feel valued, loved, or celebrated. Celebrate yourself.
God calls us to steward our lives wisely. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, it’s responsible.
A Personal Invitation:
Are you struggling to accept a painful truth in your marriage? You don’t have to go through this alone. Ready to take action and grow stronger? Walking in CORE Strength is a coaching program designed to help you build confidence, set boundaries, and reclaim your life. Learn more and join us here.
Final Encouragement:
Acceptance is hard, but it’s also the doorway to freedom. When you stop fighting the truth, you can start making choices that bring peace, strength, and healing into your life. You are not alone, and God will give you the courage to take the next step.
🔹 Follow the podcast so you never miss an episode!🔹 Leave a review! Your words encourage other women to find hope and truth.
 

Pastor's Wife: Called or Confined?

RESOURCES:Join Walking in Core Strength Today!Beth Allison Barr's website"Becoming the Pastor's Wife" by Beth Allison BarrWhat does it mean to be a pastor’s wife? Is it a God-ordained role, or has it been shaped by culture? And how do women in ministry or marriage find freedom when their identity feels crushed under the weight of unrealistic expectations?
In this powerful and eye-opening episode, Leslie sits down with Dr. Beth Allison Barr, a medieval historian, pastor’s wife, and author of The Making of Biblical Womanhood and Becoming the Pastor’s Wife: How Marriage Replaced Ordination as Women’s Paths to Ministry. Together, they uncover the hidden history of women in the church, the pressures placed on pastor’s wives, and the rise of complementarian theology that has harmed both women and men. Beth also shares practical wisdom for women navigating abusive marriages, ministry challenges, and the journey to rediscover their God-given identity.
Whether you’re a pastor’s wife, married to a man in leadership, or simply navigating the tension between cultural expectations and God’s calling, this episode will inspire you to seek truth, embrace courage, and step into the freedom God has for you.
Key Takeaways:
The Pastor’s Wife Role: Cultural, Not BiblicalMany assume the role of the pastor’s wife is biblically mandated, but Beth reveals that it is a cultural construct that emerged in modern history. While the role can be valuable for those called to it, it is not the primary calling for all women. Recognizing this truth is freeing and helps dismantle harmful expectations.
Empowering Lessons from Black ChurchesBlack pastor’s wives have historically embraced more freedom and authority in their roles, often co-pastoring or pursuing ministry outside their husband’s church. Unlike white evangelical churches, where the pastor’s wife is expected to embody the “ideal” biblical woman, Black church traditions emphasize authenticity and community support.
The Legacy of Women in Church LeadershipThe medieval church had space for women in leadership, with figures like Mary Magdalene, Hildegard of Bingen, and Catherine of Siena preaching and holding authority. Beth challenges listeners to revisit Romans 16, where women are commended as apostles, deacons, and house church leaders, proving that women’s leadership has always been part of God’s design.
The Rise of Complementarian Theology and Its HarmComplementarian theology, which ties women’s worth to their husband’s ministry, rose in the 20th century as a reaction to women gaining autonomy in society. This theology pressures women to prioritize their husband’s needs over their own, often leading to emotional and spiritual harm. It also isolates pastor’s wives, making it difficult for them to find support or speak out against abuse.
The Burden of Perfection and the Danger of SilencePastor’s wives—and women in ministry—often feel pressured to maintain an image of perfection, from their appearance to their children’s behavior. This isolation becomes dangerous when they are in abusive marriages, as speaking out can cost them everything. Leslie and Beth discuss the importance of breaking the silence, seeking support, and prioritizing safety over the preservation of harmful institutions.
Becoming God-Centered, Not Husband-CenteredWomen are often taught to center their lives on their husbands, but true freedom comes from being God-centered. Leslie and Beth encourage listeners to seek God’s voice and ask, “What are you calling me to do?” Each woman is uniquely gifted and called for a purpose beyond cultural expectations.

His Faith Was Fiction

Episode Title: The Courage to Walk Away: Leah’s Story of Love, Loss, and Finding Strength
IntroductionHave you ever found yourself questioning everything you thought you knew about love, trust, and commitment? What if the dream you’ve been waiting for suddenly didn’t feel right? In today’s episode, Julie Sedenko sits down with Leah, a woman who was weeks away from getting married when she made the gut-wrenching decision to call off her wedding. Leah’s story is different from our usual guests—she’s never been married—but her journey of faith, resilience, and self-discovery will challenge the way you think about relationships, red flags, and the courage to choose what’s right over what’s expected.
If you’ve ever felt the pressure of time, culture, or expectations pushing you toward a decision that doesn’t sit well in your spirit, this episode is for you. Leah shares how she navigated an unexpected betrayal, deep grief, and the healing she found through Leslie Vernick’s coaching programs. You won’t want to miss the wisdom and strength that radiates from her testimony.
Key Takeaways:
1. When Love Doesn't Feel SafeLeah shares how she initially felt deeply connected to her fiancé—he was kind, communicative, and a gentleman. But things changed when they reunited after a period of long-distance. His sudden shift in behavior—being overly aggressive physically and dismissive of her boundaries—set off warning bells. While he never crossed certain lines, Leah realized his actions felt more objectifying than affectionate. This raised the question: Was he really honoring her, or was he testing how much he could get away with?
2. The Danger of Assumed AgreementCross-cultural relationships come with unique challenges, but Leah had spent years preparing for this. She believed they had aligned on key values—faith, purity, finances, and family. However, as marriage became imminent, she discovered he had merely tolerated her views rather than sharing them. His ultimate admission? “I thought you would change your mind.” Leah’s story is a powerful reminder that assumptions are not agreements, and time does not equal trustworthiness.
3. The Devastating Reality of Calling Off a WeddingLeah’s decision to walk away wasn’t just about losing a relationship—it meant leaving her home, career, and the future she had envisioned. She grieved not only the man she loved but the life she had built. At almost 40, she also faced the reality that by the time she found another relationship, her window for having biological children might be closed. The depth of this loss was overwhelming, and she cried nearly every day for two years. But in the midst of her pain, she discovered a deeper truth: sometimes, walking away is the bravest thing you can do.
4. Finding Strength Through Core PrinciplesAs Leah sought healing, she discovered Leslie Vernick’s coaching programs, including Moving Beyond People Pleasing and Walking in Core Strength. These programs provided her with validation, support, and a framework to navigate relationships in a healthier way. Two key lessons stood out:
Courageously Committed to the Truth: Holding onto truth and boundaries is not harsh—it’s healthy. Jesus embodied grace and truth, and so should we.
Empathy Without Enabling: You can love someone deeply while still holding firm boundaries. Someone being upset with you does not make you a bad person.
5. Redefining the Finish LineMany women are raised to believe marriage is the ultimate goal, but Leah has come to see things differently. While she still desires a healthy marriage, she no longer sees it as a measure of her worth. “I know who I am, whether or not I’m married,” she says. “And I will be the same person if I ever do get married as I am right now.”
Final EncouragementIf you’re facing a difficult relationship decision, remember this: Yellow lights don’t turn green, they turn red. Ignoring the warning signs won’t make them go away. Leah’s story is proof that choosing integrity over convenience may be painful, but it leads to true freedom. You are not alone, and you are stronger than you think.

Power in Powerlessness: Reclaiming Your Decision Making

ResourcesRegister for Leslie's Webinar, February 13: "I'm Not Okay When You're Not Okay"Think you might be in a destructive marriage? Get Leslie's Quick Start Guide here. Do you feel like the weight of every decision in your marriage or family is on your shoulders? Are you struggling with a spouse who refuses to engage or, worse, actively makes things harder? If decision-making feels overwhelming and you're stuck in fear of making the wrong choice, this episode is for you. Leslie Vernick shares insights on overcoming decision paralysis, handling an unengaged spouse, and finding clarity even when the path forward is uncertain.
Key Takeaways
1. You Don’t Have to Make the Perfect DecisionMany people stay stuck in indecision because they fear making the wrong choice. But the truth is, no one has perfect information all the time. Even a wrong decision can provide valuable insight, allowing you to adjust and move forward. Instead of viewing decisions as permanent, think of them as opportunities to learn and course-correct along the way.
2. Indecision Is Still a DecisionChoosing not to decide is, in itself, a decision—with its own consequences. If you're paralyzed by fear or waiting for your spouse to take action, recognize that staying in limbo is creating an outcome, too. Instead of waiting for someone else to change, take responsibility for what you can control and move forward with wisdom.
3. How to Handle a Spouse Who Won’t Participate in Decision-MakingIf your spouse is disengaged, you have choices in how you respond: with resentment, with curiosity, or with acceptance. Ask yourself: Is he afraid of making mistakes? Has he been criticized in the past? Does he struggle with change? By approaching the situation with understanding rather than frustration, you can free yourself from bitterness and take action where necessary.
4. Understanding Fear and Avoidance in Decision-MakingFear can be paralyzing, especially for someone who has been conditioned to avoid risk. Some people resist making decisions due to past trauma, upbringing, or personality differences. For example, if your spouse grew up in an environment where mistakes were punished harshly, he may struggle to take initiative. Recognizing this can help you approach the situation with grace rather than resentment.
5. When You’re Not Allowed to Make DecisionsWhat if you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum—where your spouse makes all the decisions, even when they are harmful? If his leadership is damaging your family financially, emotionally, or spiritually, you may need to establish firm boundaries. Seeking wise counsel, setting limits, and refusing to enable destructive choices are crucial steps in reclaiming your voice and protecting your well-being.
6. The Power of Boundaries and ChoiceHaving boundaries helps you exercise your power of choice. This is what I will do. This is what I won’t do. This is what I can do. This is what I can’t do. But setting boundaries also means learning to live with others’ disappointment and resentment. Whether it’s your children, spouse, or extended family, making decisions that are good for you—and ultimately for them—often comes with resistance. Accepting this reality allows you to move forward with confidence rather than guilt.
7. Living from Your Noble Self Instead of Your EmotionsActing out of your noble self means making decisions that align with who you are in Christ, rather than being driven by fear, resentment, or a need for approval. It’s about showing up in your life with strength and dignity, just like the Proverbs 31 woman. You don’t need to apologize for being wise, decisive, or courageous. God designed you to make choices, and embracing this responsibility is part of spiritual maturity.
8. You Always Have ChoicesEven in the hardest circumstances, you still have choices. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, wrote that everything can be taken from a person except one thing: the ability to choose how they will respond. If you feel trapped in your marriage, your job, or another painful situation, start by asking: How do I want to be in this moment? What small steps can I take toward change? Recognizing your power to choose—even in small ways—can be incredibly freeing.
9. Trusting God in the Decision-Making ProcessGod doesn’t expect you to make perfect decisions, but He does call you to trust Him and take action. The Bible says, “You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it’” (Isaiah 30:21). As you seek wisdom, make the best choice you can, and be open to self-correction when necessary.
 

The Night I Stopped Pretending

Resources
Register here for Leslie's free workshop, "I'm Not Okay When You're Not Okay"Leslie's Quick Start Guide
Introduction
Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship that looked perfect on the outside but was suffocating behind closed doors? In this episode, Michelle shares her courageous journey from hiding abuse within the walls of the church to stepping into freedom, healing, and a mission to help other women recognize when difficult crosses into destructive. If you’ve ever questioned whether your struggles in marriage were just normal hardships or something more harmful, Michelle’s story will provide clarity, validation, and hope.
Key Takeaways
1. Recognizing Red Flags in Christian CourtshipMichelle reflects on the early warning signs she overlooked during dating. While her relationship seemed like a picture-perfect Christian courtship, subtle yet significant issues surfaced: boundary-pushing, controlling tendencies, and an inability to respect her differing opinions. If a man says one thing but does another—especially when it comes to physical boundaries—that’s a serious character concern. A man’s integrity matters more than his words.
2. When Submission Becomes OppressionMichelle shares how scripture was twisted in her marriage, particularly regarding intimacy. Instead of mutual love and respect, biblical teachings were weaponized to demand compliance. She felt like an object rather than a cherished wife. This distortion of faith kept her stuck, believing she had to endure rather than address the toxic dynamic.
3. The Loneliness of an Unseen BattlePerhaps one of the most heartbreaking moments Michelle describes is standing alone in the kitchen late at night, feeling used and unseen, while her husband slept peacefully. She cried out to God, struggling to reconcile her suffering with the belief that divorce was not an option. Her prayers shifted over time—from asking ‘How long, O Lord?’ to pleading for rescue.
4. When Christian Marriage Advice Keeps You TrappedBooks like Love and Respect made Michelle believe that if she just respected her husband enough, things would change. But no amount of respect can fix a heart unwilling to change. In a healthy marriage, both partners seek growth, repentance, and mutual love. The problem isn’t just about how a wife behaves—it’s about whether both people are truly honoring God in their marriage.
5. Isolation and Control: A Subtle Form of AbuseMichelle’s husband worked to isolate her from friends by criticizing their parenting or questioning their submission. She initially believed his concerns, but over time, she realized it was a tactic to keep her dependent. Meanwhile, he maintained his own friendships, often mentoring men and encouraging their wives to submit, reinforcing harmful dynamics.
6. The Breaking Point: When Abuse Turns PhysicalMichelle recounts the night her husband physically removed her from their car and abandoned her miles from home. Despite years of emotional and spiritual abuse, this moment shattered her sense of security. Yet, even then, she felt trapped, unsure of where to go or whom to tell. The shame of staying weighed on her, but she also feared the unknown.
7. A Divine Wake-Up CallIn 2023, Michelle experienced a powerful moment with God—a dream, a whispered name, and a podcast episode that spoke directly to her situation. This was her turning point. She finally recognized that her marriage wasn’t just difficult; it was destructive. With courage, she sought help, setting boundaries and eventually moving out when it became clear her husband was unwilling to change.
8. Finding Strength and Support in ConquerAs Michelle searched for answers, she discovered Leslie Vernick through a podcast with Lysa Terkeurst. She dove deep into Leslie’s teachings, and after joining the Conquer group, found the validation and strength she needed to break free. With guidance from a Christian counselor and the support of Conquer, Michelle gained the confidence to make empowered decisions for herself and her children.
9. Understanding True RepentanceA key revelation for Michelle came from a conversation between Leslie Vernick and Chris Moles. She learned that true repentance isn’t just words—it’s a heart transformation. A truly repentant man focuses not on regaining control of his wife but on her healing and well-being. This realization helped Michelle recognize that her husband’s apologies lacked genuine accountability and change.
10. A New Future: Education and IndependenceDespite opposition from her husband, Michelle pursued a master’s degree, taking one class per semester since 2020. Now, as she approaches graduation in classical studies, she is excited about her future in education, curriculum development, and potentially women’s ministry. Her newfound independence is a testament to her resilience and faith.
A Call to Freedom
If Michelle’s story resonates with you, you are not alone. Abuse—whether emotional, spiritual, or physical—is not God’s design for marriage. You do not have to stay stuck. There is hope, there is help, and there is a way forward.
For more support, visit Leslie Vernick & Co. and explore resources to help you discern truth, find your voice, and take courageous steps toward healing.
Closing Encouragement
You are precious in God’s eyes. He sees your pain, and He does not call you to endure suffering in silence. If you are struggling in a destructive marriage, reach out for help. Healing, freedom, and a life of true peace are possible. You don’t have to walk this path alone—God is with you, and so is this community of women who have found strength to step into the light.
Stay strong, stay hopeful, and take the next step toward your healing journey today.